I have to write an essay on gender segregation in secondary schools. I have summarized the position I have to attack. I'm not to confident on essay writing and I have to make sure this summary is strong. could someone please check it?
For those who are in favour of gender segregation, they claim (from studies conducted in British Schools) that each sex matures (socially, intellectually and emotionally) at different rates - girls usually mature before boys. The two sexes also have very different natures – boys are usually competitive, whereas girls are usually collaborative. There are certain subjects at school which people will usually classify as one-sex subject (gender-stereotyping of others). For example, science would be classified as a male subject and language(s) as a female subject. This idea discourages one sex or the other from joining in as much, in a co-educational place (therefore, marks might be reduced). Being surrounded by boys or girls (those with mutual sexual awareness) in adolescents can often be a significant distraction from work, lowering the marks of some. These points are very important in considering segregation. Those in favour, feel that in a co-educational environment it is more likely that marks will be reduced (distractions). The studies in British schools show that pupils perform academically better apart (possibly one of the strongest arguments for segregation).
In this phrasing -- in adolescents can often be -- the word you want is "adolescence," not "adolescents."
In the places where you state generalities, you should probably use the phrase "for example" --
Members of the two sexes also have very different natures; for example, boys are usually competitive, whereas girls are usually collaborative.
No comma is needed after "favour" in the second-to-last sentence.
Other teachers may see other things and add their comments.