In an attempt to warn females against falling under the consequences of a patriarchal society, progressive feminist Adrienne Rich defines patriarchy as, “the power of the fathers: a familial-social, ideological, political system in which men- by force, direct pressure, or through ritual, tradition, law and language, customs, etiquette, education and the division of labour- determine what part women shall or shall not play, and in which the female is everywhere subsumed under the male” (Of Woman Born, 57). Through her prose and poetry, Rich fights for societal change in an effort to advance the feminist movement, and prevent females from being oppressed. Shakespeare’s Othello contains the women Rich is reaching out to, victims of a patriarchal society. Shakespeare portrays its women -- Desdemona, Emilia, and Bianca -- as victims of patriarchy, living under oppressive conditions of which Adrienne Rich, a progressive feminist, would disapprove; Rich believes it is only through breaking the mold which men create that women will gain independence and respect. The impact of living in a society Rich warns against can be seen as Desdemona, Emilia, and Bianca’s suppression and patriarchal way of life results in their demise and in Desdemona and Emilia’s case, their death.
This is my opening paragraph and I was wondering if I could get some feedback
In an attempt to warn females against falling under the consequences (AWKWARD TERM. "CONTROL" MIGHT BE BETTER.) of a patriarchal society, progressive feminist Adrienne Rich defines patriarchy as, (NO COMMA) “the power of the fathers: a familial-social, ideological, political system in which men- (USE TWO N-DASHES [--] OR AN M-DASH [—].) by force, direct pressure, or through ritual, tradition, law and language, customs, etiquette, education and the division of labour- (USE TWO N-DASHES [--] OR AN M-DASH [—].) determine what part women shall or shall not play, and in which the female is everywhere subsumed under the male” (Of Woman Born, 57). Through her prose and poetry, Rich fights for societal change in an effort to advance the feminist movement, (NO COMMA) and prevent females from being oppressed.
USE NEW PARAGRAPH TO INDICATE CHANGE IN IDEAS, PLACES, TIMES OR PERSONS.
Shakespeare’s Othello contains the women Rich is reaching out to, victims of a patriarchal society. Shakespeare portrays its women -- (GOOD!) Desdemona, Emilia, and Bianca -- as victims of patriarchy, living under oppressive conditions of which Adrienne Rich, a progressive feminist, would disapprove; NEW SENTENCE. Rich believes it is only through breaking the mold which men create that women will gain independence and respect. The impact of living in a society Rich warns against can be seen as Desdemona, Emilia, and Bianca’s suppression and (THE FOLLOWING WOULD BE MORE EFFECTIVE AS A SEPARATE SENTENCE.) patriarchal way of life results in their demise (SINCE "DEMISE" CAN ALSO MEAN DEATH, THIS IS REDUNDANT. USE THEASARUS TO FIND ANOTHER TERM.)and in Desdemona and Emilia’s case, their death.
Although this is just a cursory response, I hope it helps. Thanks for asking.
Your opening paragraph provides a clear and concise introduction to the topic of patriarchy and the portrayal of women in Shakespeare's play Othello. The inclusion of Adrienne Rich's definition of patriarchy helps set the context and highlights the main theme you will be discussing throughout your essay.
However, there are a few suggestions to enhance your paragraph:
1. Consider rephrasing the sentence "Through her prose and poetry, Rich fights for societal change in an effort to advance the feminist movement, and prevent females from being oppressed." to be more specific. This will make your statement more impactful and make it clearer how Rich's work relates to the portrayal of women in Othello.
2. In the sentence "Shakespeare portrays its women -- Desdemona, Emilia, and Bianca -- as victims of patriarchy, living under oppressive conditions of which Adrienne Rich, a progressive feminist, would disapprove;" consider adding specific examples or evidence from the play to support your claim. This will strengthen your argument and show a deeper analysis of the text.
3. Instead of saying "The impact of living in a society Rich warns against can be seen as Desdemona, Emilia, and Bianca’s suppression and patriarchal way of life results in their demise and in Desdemona and Emilia’s case, their death," try to rephrase it in a more concise and direct manner. For example, you could say something like "Rich's warning against patriarchal societies is evident in the tragic fate of Desdemona, Emilia, and Bianca, whose lives are ultimately destroyed by the oppressive conditions they endure."
Overall, your opening paragraph provides a strong foundation for your essay. By addressing these suggestions, you can further develop your arguments and increase the clarity and impact of your writing.