please read this poem and tell me how I can inprove it. Thanks!
Where have you been
I almost forgot you
Its been a year or so
Since I’ve seen you last
Why did you have to come back
I was trying to forget you
And forget what you did
Why bring back the bad memories
Can’t you just leave now
Like you did before
So I can try to forget you again
Isn’t it obvious I want you gone
This time when you leave
I want it to be for good
I don’t want to see you again
Just leave now
Just leave before I fall for you
Before I start in that terrible cycle again
I don’t want to be with you ever
So as you leave this time
And walk out that door
Don’t look back
Because I’ll have already gone
Other than (perhaps) put in some punctuation... I think it is super.
Regarding punctuation... I think I would use dashes or a series of dots. instead of commmas or semi-colons... Just put a period at the end. The dashes/dots indicate (to me) a continuing thought...musing....
Like this??
Where have you been,
I almost forgot you.
Its been a year or so,
Since I’ve seen you last.
Why did you have to come back.
I was trying to forget you
And forget what you did.
Why bring back the bad memories.
Can’t you just leave now,
Like you did before.
So I can try to forget you again.
Isn’t it obvious I want you gone?
This time when you leave,
I want it to be for good.
I don’t want to see you again,
Just leave now.
Just leave before I fall for you.
Before I start in that terrible cycle again.
I don’t want to be with you ever.
So as you leave this time,
And walk out that door.
Don’t look back,
Because I’ll have already gone.
Where have you been.....
I almost forgot you.
Its been a year or so
Since I’ve seen you last.
Why did you have to come back?
I was trying to forget you
And forget what you did.
Why bring back the bad memories...
Can’t you just leave now
Like you did before...
So I can try to forget you again.
Isn’t it obvious I want you gone?
This time when you leave
I want it to be for good.
I don’t want to see you again.
Just leave now.
Just leave before I fall for you...
Before I start in that terrible cycle again.
I don’t want to be with you ever.
So as you leave this time
And walk out that door,
Don’t look back.
I will have already gone.
Thanks! :P
Welcome entirely =)
The poem you have shared expresses a sense of longing, frustration, and a desire to move on from someone who has caused pain in the past. Here are a few suggestions to improve it:
1. Structure: Consider breaking the poem into stanzas to create visual breaks and emphasize the emotions behind each line or idea. This can help the reader absorb the poem in a more structured manner.
2. Imagery: Incorporate vivid imagery to enhance the emotional impact of the poem. For example, instead of saying "I want you gone," you could paint a picture with words, such as "Fade away like shadows at dusk" or "Let our memories dissolve like morning mist."
3. Metaphors or Symbolism: Explore the use of metaphors or symbolic language to convey your emotions more effectively. This can add depth to your poem and allow readers to connect with the underlying meaning. For instance, you could use metaphors like "You are an anchor holding me back" or "Your absence is a desert I long to escape."
4. Show, don't tell: Instead of directly stating your feelings and desires, try to show them through vivid descriptions and sensory details. Allow the readers to infer the emotions by evoking their senses.
5. Consistency: Consider maintaining a consistent tone and rhythm throughout the poem to enhance its flow and coherence. Read it aloud to ensure that the words and phrases flow smoothly.
Remember, poetry is subjective, and there are no definitive "right" or "wrong" ways to write. These suggestions are only meant to provide guidance in refining and adding depth to your poem. Ultimately, trust your instincts and creativity to shape the poem in a way that best represents your emotions and intentions.