We had to write a sample college essay; how will your diversity help the college campus?
Here is my first two paragraphs:
The students were unaware of me standing on the balcony, watching them with interest as they walked back from school on the narrow dirt path road. Their uniforms were simple, their shoes were neatly tied, and their faces were lit up with joy after one more day of gaining knowledge. In India, the enthusiasm to learn is common since education is one of the three most important things in their tradition, along with family and culture. As I traveled around the world, I have learnt important life lessons that I have treasured to make me a diverse and cultured person. These lessons have been incorporated into my life to make me appreciate my way of living, and to respect other peoples religions, beliefs, and ideas.
As I try to balance my life between the school work and social life of Western society, and the home life and traditions of Indian society, I find many hobbies and talents that would make me an asset to the University of Maryland community.
Suggestions?
You have not answered the prompt's question -- "how will your diversity [I guess that means your ethnicity] help the college campus."
If you don't address their question, you will be out of consideration immediately. Please either start over or expand greatly on what you've started. Details and specifics are needed.
http://www.collegeboard.com/student/apply/essay-skills/9406.html
=)
thanks, ill finish this and repost. i wanted to develop those experiences into how i would help their community. i should be done in less then 30 minutes if youre still on then
Your first two paragraphs provide a good start for your college essay. Here are a few suggestions to further develop and refine your essay:
1. Clarify the significance of your diversity: Explain how your diverse background will contribute to the college campus. You could highlight specific perspectives, experiences, or skills that you possess as a result of your exposure to different cultures, traditions, and ways of life.
2. Provide specific examples: Instead of stating that you have learned important life lessons and treasured them, give concrete examples of these lessons and how they have shaped your worldview. This will illustrate the impact your diversity has had on your personal growth.
3. Connect your diversity to your potential contributions: In the second paragraph, instead of simply mentioning that you have hobbies and talents, elaborate on them and explain how they align with the values and opportunities present at the University of Maryland. For example, if you have a talent for creative writing, you could discuss joining the university's literary magazine or participating in writing workshops.
4. Show enthusiasm and passion: Throughout your essay, convey your genuine excitement about bringing your diverse perspectives to the college campus. This will make your essay compelling and engaging for the reader.
5. Consider the format and structure: Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph should focus on a specific aspect of your diversity and its potential impact on the college campus.
Remember to proofread your essay for grammar, punctuation, and spelling errors. Seek feedback from teachers, friends, or family members to gain additional perspectives and suggestions for improvement. Good luck with your college application!