proofread introduction

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i'm writing a informative essay on a festival i celebrate in my culture.

i decided to separate the history of the festival and the introduction of the essay into too paragraphs.

so my question is if my introduction sounds okay without the history because i'm going to mention it in my next paragraph.

So basically, does it sound too vague because i don't want to repeat myself in my body paragraphs so i want to keep it simple.

and also please comment on my thesis which is the last sentence of the paragraph.

thank you.


India is known as a land of diversities because of its many cultures and celebrations. One of my favorite festivals to celebrate is called Holi. Holi is “an ancient East Indian Festival held at the time of the full moon in March” by the Hindus. It was originally named after a Hindu demon, ‘Holika.’ This happy occasion is known as the “Festival of Colors” because it involves children, friends, and neighbors gathering on the streets together and a riot of color takes over. Colored powders are thrown into air and are smeared on faces and bodies. Not only is Holi a joyous festival to celebrate with friends and family, but it is also meant to celebrate the death of winter while the colors used in this festival represents the arrival of spring.

  • proofread introduction -

    India is known as a land of diversities because of its many cultures and celebrations. One of my favorite festivals to celebrate is Holi, “an ancient East Indian Festival held at the time of the full moon in March”<~~if this is a quotation, please add the citation by the Hindus. It was originally named after a Hindu demon, ‘Holika.’<~~delete quotation marks This happy occasion is known as the “Festival of Colors”<~~delete quotation marks because it involves children, friends, and neighbors gathering on the streets together<~~add comma and a riot of color takes over. Colored powders are thrown into air and are smeared on faces and bodies. Not only is Holi a joyous festival to celebrate with friends and family, but it is also meant to celebrate the death of winter while<~~delete "while" and add a semicolon after "winter" the colors used in this festival represents<~~the subject of this verb is "colors" so the verb needs to be plural; delete the -s the arrival of spring.

    I think this is fine for an introduction. You're right about not wanting to include too much detail in the introduction. Details are to be included and explained in the body of the paper.

    Nice job.

    =)

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