posted by Jake .
Could someone please help me make this feature article flow and be enticeing to the reader?
With winter on the horizon, many Australians are again facing the prospect of drought. If there isn’t a better than average rain season this year many Australian farmers will be forced to pack up and leave their farms as many other farmers have done already.
You may ask why there is a drought occurring across Australia and this is because of the El Nino effect. The El Nino effect is where the circulation of water across the Pacific Ocean is weakened so the flow of water isn’t heated and doesn’t travel across to Australia. Without this warm water clouds don’t form as easy therefore we get less rain. This effect can last for 3-4 years and is the main reason Australia is in a drought.
Statistics show that the drought is only going to get worse for Australian farmers.
Professor Dylan Carr from Australia’s Bureau of Metrology says that this is the worst drought Australia has seen in decades and if we don’t get some rain soon, he isn’t sure how the farmers who are already suffering will cope.
The farmers that have drought stricken properties are finding it very hard to cope and many of them are thinking of packing there bags and leaving their farms to. A large number of farmers have becomes severely depressed since the drought, as they can’t support there families as there not earning enough money, some taking out hundreds of thousands of dollars in loans. Most farmers are unable to repay these debts and feel the only way out is to take their own lives leaving distraught families behind.
Whilst the drought is affecting the farmers it is also harming the Australian economy. Economist Julian Harvey says “The big dry may chop as much as half a per cent of the country's growth. That’s 4 Billion dollars that won’t be seen cycling through the economy this financial year.”
Wheat used to be one of Australia’s strongest exports but since the drought the figures have dropped dramatically. The value of Australia’s wheat industry is close to 3 billion a year if the drought continues this value could deplete to up to half a billion dollars. This is due to the fact in a drought the wheat crop doesn’t mature properly resulting in a low yield causing farmers to find it hard to keep up with the demand for wheat.
The drought is also effecting livestock, farmers can’t afford to feed their stock so they are selling the remaining of there stock at a higher price than usual to keep their farm running. But because the meat is so expensive people won’t buy it. This results in more of their stock dying as they can not feed them. Even meat is getting hard to export overseas now due to the prices being too high and in other countries they can purchase the meat cheaper.
You may ask what is going to be done to help these Australian farmers cope through this tough time. There are many programs the government has set up to help these Aussie battlers some of these include; various funds, tax rebates, people who provide moral support and many scientific studies on drought resistant crops.
Click on the Revising and Redrafting... link and then ask yourself the questions:
~does the essay clearly and explicitly answer the question asked? (would a reader be able to formulate the question by reading your essay?)
~does the Introduction provide a background to your answer? does it state your overall response to the question? and outline how your essay will deal with it?
~does each paragraph in the Body have a clear topic sentence that states the main point of the paragraph? does that main point relate explicitly to the question?
~do the other sentences in each paragraph expand on the topic sentence in some way? do they provide evidence or support for the point you are making in that paragraph? I think your paragraphs are not fully developed. For the most part, you have stated an idea which supports your thesis, but then you don't explain it thoroughly enough. Aiming for 6 - 8 sentences in each paragraph in the body of the paper is a good idea: the topic sentence, 2 or 3 sentences of supporting detail and 3 - 4 sentences of YOUR interpretation of those details with respect to the topic and thesis.
~are all ideas and quotes from other sources correctly referenced?
~have you shown the relationship between ideas by using appropriate linking words or phrases?
~does your conclusion draw together the main points you have made in the body? does it sum up the case you have presented? I don't see a true conclusion here.
~have you checked the spelling, grammar, punctuation? Some work needs to be done here. For example, check the 4th paragraph: "packing there bags"?? "have becomes"?? "as they can’t support there families as there not earning"?? (two instances of "as" close together; "there" used incorrectly) Be sure to check completely for these types of errors.</b?
~is your reference list complete and does it follow an accepted referencing system? I see no referencing system.
Think, too, of what you are actually saying -- again, an example in that 4th paragraph: "Most farmers are unable to repay these debts and feel the only way out is to take their own lives leaving distraught families behind." Do you REALLY want to say that "most farmers" (= over 50%) are planning to commit suicide??
Let us know what revisions you make, and someone here will give you feedback.
Here are some more websites that may be helpful for you:
(Broken Link Removed)
These have really helpful sections on revising and editing, as well as sections on planning and writing the essay in the first place.