I have to submit this paragraph and I am having grammar problems. Can someone help me so that I can correct my mistakes and make a good grade. Here is the paragraph:
My vision of the ideal city is probably similar to what many people would describe as a desirable city. Most importantly, this city has a tremendous amount of opportunity to work and make a good living. There are enough jobs for everyone that is willing to work. The ideal city, to me, has a tropical climate all year long. The cost of living is a good match with the salaries available and the housing is affordable. My ideal city is one that has a population of 60,000-150,000 people. This is desirable to me because I do not want to live in an overcrowded city, but there needs to be enough people to draw in businesses. This model city has excellent healthcare facilities and a goal striving for a healthy population. My idyllic city would have many things to do for all ages. This may in turn lower the crime rate if people have the opportunity to do a variety of positive activities. Some other characteristics of this exemplary city include a growing economy, a favorable government, and a commendable school system. My ideal city can be summed up as one that I consider comfortable and fun.
My vision of the ideal city is probably similar to what many people would describe as a desirable city. Most importantly, this city has a tremendous amount of opportunity to work and make a good living<~~the city is going to work and make a good living?? rephrase, please. There are enough jobs for everyone that<~~use "who" -- the word "that" is for things, not people is willing to work. The ideal city, to me,<~~delete "to me" -- you've already indicated that it's your vision has a tropical climate all year long<~~why a tropical climate?. The cost of living is a good match with the salaries available<~~add comma; compound sentence and the housing is affordable. My ideal city is one that has a population of 60,000-150,000 people. I would not want to live in an overcrowded city, but there needs<~~should be "need" not "needs" to be enough people to draw in businesses. This model city has excellent healthcare facilities and a goal strivingthe goal strives for this? can goals strive for anything, or is that what people do? for a healthy population. My idyllic<~~"idyllic" and "ideal" are not the same** city would have many things to do for all ages. This may in turn lower the crime rate if people have the opportunity to participate in a variety of positive activities. Some other characteristics of this exemplary city include a growing economy, a favorable government, and a commendable school system. My ideal city can be summed up as one that I consider comfortable and fun.
** http://www.answers.com/idyllic
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Here is the corrected version of the paragraph:
My vision of the ideal city is probably similar to what many people would describe as a desirable city. Most importantly, this city offers tremendous opportunities for people to work and make a good living. There are enough jobs for everyone who is willing to work. The ideal city has a tropical climate all year long, which is appealing to me. In addition, the cost of living is affordable and matches the available salaries. My ideal city has a population of 60,000-150,000 people. I would not want to live in an overcrowded city, but there need to be enough people to attract businesses. This model city has excellent healthcare facilities and strives for a healthy population. My ideal city provides many activities for all age groups, which may contribute to lower crime rates if people have the opportunity to participate in a variety of positive activities. Some other characteristics of this exemplary city include a growing economy, a favorable government, and a commendable school system. Overall, my ideal city is one that I consider comfortable and fun.