college application short response

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I wish you could help me the short answer of my college application essay.
Many thanks

Question:
Please briefly elaborate on one of your activities.
I was elected as the President of the class of 2007 in high school. My job of being a President was to supervise students participating in school and community activities and coordinate teachers. I organized the 2005 New Year¡¯s Overnight Carnival, and assisted members of my class to participate in the 2005 High School Art Festival, the 2005 High School Sport Meeting, the 2005 High School Debate Contest, and the 2005 High School Fashion Show. I also established a profound friendship between students in my high school and the kids in Laurel Orphanage. Moreover, one of my significant coordination with teachers was to successfully develop a Night Classes program which had given extra help for many students with needs. As working in the president position, my leadership skills have been accelerated. Nowadays leadership is more important than many other skills for a person. I am glad that I had developed this elaborate skill in high school that will be more helpful for me when I go to the college.

I was elected president of the class of 2007 in high school. My job of being a President<~~delete "of being a President" was to supervise students as they participated in school and community activities and to coordinate teachers<~~THAT needs some explaining! Coordinate teachers in what ways??. I organized the 2005 New Year's Overnight Carnival,<~~delete comma and assisted members of my class as they participated in the 2005 High School Art Festival, the 2005 High School Sports Meeting, the 2005 High School Debate Contest, and the 2005 High School Fashion Show. I also established a profound<~~You need a different word here; "strong" would be better. friendship between students in my high school and the kids<~~slang; maybe "youngsters" or "students" or "children" or "young people" in Laurel Orphanage. Moreover, one of my significant coordination with teachers<~~awkward phrasing; please re-do "one of ... teachers" was to successfully develop a Night Classes program to give extra help for many students with needs<~~explain -- what kinds of needs?. As president, my leadership skills have been accelerated. Nowadays leadership is more important than many other skills for a person. I am glad that I had<~~delete this word; makes the wrong tense developed this elaborate<~~???? skill in high school that will be more helpful<~~more helpful than what? If you're not going to complete the comparison, then delete the word "more." for me when I go to the<~~delete this word college.<~~How will this be helpful in college?

=)

Be sure you learn from EVERY ONE of the corrections made above. If you keep repeating the original errors, then you'll have a tough time surviving in college/university-level classes.

Use these sites; add them to your favorites; refer to them FREQUENTLY.

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/
Be sure to use the entire site, including the submenus that show up in the different levels; there's help here for both grammar and for writing.

http://www.uottawa.ca/academic/arts/writcent/hypergrammar/grammar.html

http://members.cox.net/teachro/

http://www.chompchomp.com/menu.htm

http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/catalogue.html
Be sure to use the entire site, not just what shows up in the first screen; there's help here for both grammar and for writing.

http://www.eslcafe.com/
Use the Stuff for Students column.

http://www.manythings.org/

http://a4esl.org/

=)

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