I am applying or a Med Camp at Penn State and I have to write a thesis. This is what I have so far.
"I have always been interested in the medical field. I remember when my dad used to take me hunting, we would gut the animal and I would always be asking "What's that?" "What about that?" After a while I started learning the anatomy of the animals and instead of asking what something was, I said what it was.
I am applying for MedCamp 2017 because I feel my skills and interests in the medical field would thrive at this camp. I am planning to go to Penn State after high school to get my doctorate, and this camp would allow me to get a closer look at the medical field and Penn State itself. I am great at teamwork, communication, problem solving, and logical thinking and I feel I would be a valuable asset to the team.
Penn State is about improving the lives of people all around the world, and I would be honored to be a part of that."
Is there anyway I could make this better to increase my chances of getting in?
Your thesis statement starts off strong with your personal interest in the medical field and how it was sparked by experiences with your father. However, to make it more effective and compelling, you could consider expanding on these experiences and their impact on your decision to pursue a career in medicine.
Here's a revised version of your thesis statement:
"Ever since my childhood when my father took me hunting, I developed an insatiable curiosity about the intricacies of life and the human body. Witnessing the dissection of animals during those hunting trips ignited my passion for understanding anatomy, which fueled my desire to explore the medical field further. Instead of merely questioning 'What's that?' about the different parts of the animals, I began confidently identifying them. This transformative experience has solidified my determination to pursue a career in medicine."
This revised statement provides more detailed information about your experiences and demonstrates how your interest in medicine developed over time. It also highlights your curiosity and active engagement in learning about anatomy, which can demonstrate your passion for the field.
Additionally, consider incorporating specific examples or stories that showcase your skills and qualities relevant to the medical field. For example, you mention being great at teamwork, communication, problem-solving, and logical thinking. To strengthen your application, provide specific instances where you have demonstrated these skills, whether it's through extracurricular activities, academic achievements, or personal experiences.
Furthermore, when discussing why you are applying to MedCamp and Penn State, try to personalize your reasons. Instead of just mentioning that the camp would give you a closer look at the medical field and Penn State, explain why these experiences would be valuable to your future career goals. Connect your aspirations and interests to what you hope to gain from MedCamp and how that aligns with Penn State's mission of improving lives.
Remember, the goal is to make your essay compelling, personal, and demonstrate your unique qualities and experiences. Good luck with your application to MedCamp!