Posted by JP on Friday, February 17, 2017 at 10:12am.
please help me to revise this paragraph
I’m fed up with the mistakes that our current accounting firm makes. I run a small construction company, and I don’t have time to double-check every bookkeeping entry and call the accountants a dozen times when they won’t return my messages. Please explain how your firm would do a better job than my current accountants. You have a good reputation among homebuilders, but before I consider hiring you to take over my accounting, I need to know that you care about quality work and good customer service.
business communication - Writeacher, Friday, February 17, 2017 at 10:13am
Again ... do you need this to be more concise and less negative? More formal? Or what?
business communication - JP, Friday, February 17, 2017 at 10:15am
less negative and formal. thanks
business communication - Writeacher, Friday, February 17, 2017 at 10:20am
This is the first part to revise:
I’m fed up with the mistakes that our current accounting firm makes. I run a small construction company, and I don’t have time to double-check every bookkeeping entry and call the accountants a dozen times when they won’t return my messages.
I'd start by omitting the first sentence or revising it and putting it later in the paragraph. Make the first half of the current second sentence into the first sentence of the paragraph. The rest of this paragraph should be two (or maybe three) sentences with the other ideas in them, but without the obvious anger.
Try revising just that part first before diving into the rest.
business communication - Reed, Friday, February 17, 2017 at 11:24am
Writeacher's advice is excellent. More generally, I'd eliminate all the complaints about the current accounting contractor and just state that you are considering a change in the accounting firm you employ. Then ask how the alternative firm would provide a service with emphasis on accuracy and customer service. It's good to state that the firm you are addressing has been recommended by other homebuilders. Positive reinforcement often gets good results. Being critical of another firm is not a good idea. It makes the letter-writer sound like a complainer, and the new firm may not wish to engage with a chronic complainer.
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