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March 28, 2017

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please help me to revise this paragraph

I’m contacting you about your recent email request for technical support on your cable internet service. Part of the problem we have in tech support is trying to figure out exactly what each customer’s specific problem is so that we can troubleshoot quickly and get you back in business as quickly as possible. You may have noticed that in the online support request form, there are a number of fields to enter your type of computer, operating system, memory, and so on. While you did tell us you were experiencing slow download speeds during certain times of the day, you didn’t tell us which times specifically, nor did you complete all the fields telling us about your computer. Please return to our support website and resubmit your request, being sure to provide all the necessary information; then we’ll be able to help you.

  • business communication - ,

    It reads okay ... a bit wordy, but the message is clear.

    What do you need to do? Make it more concise? Make it less negative for the customer? Or what?

  • business communication - ,

    more concise please

  • business communication - ,

    I won't revise this for you, but I'll give you some ideas.

    All you have to do is find the repetitions and the needless words -- and omit them! Take this sentence, for example: "I’m contacting you about your recent email request for technical support on your cable internet service."

    Get rid of "I'm contacting you" <~~that's painfully obvious! Simply start with the words "Regarding your recent request ... " and keep going. Remember to omit needless or repeated words/phrases.

    Let me know what you end up with.

  • business communication - ,

    seems good

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