Formal Writing Essay Prompt: Take a position that defends or challenges the claim that the recent profusion of surveillance technologies/ techniques constitutes a threat to civil liberty.
(Here is my Introduction)
I have to eliminate any linking verbs if possible.
CAN SOMEONE HELP/ OR SUGGEST WAYS IN WHICH I CAN MAKE THE SENTENCE SOUND MATURE AND IS GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT. MUCH APPRECIATED!
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(SCENARIO) 1. In the workplace, a new security system has been installed. (installs in the system).
---How can I eliminate the linking verbs "has been" and the past tense word "installed". Is whats in parenthesis OK? Can I replace "has been installed" with "installs in the system."
2.Workers begin to feel jittery and watched by the cameras that have been placed above their heads.
3. Surveillance is a controversial subject that some citizens believe their liberty is being threatened and some believe surveillance technologies will improve daily lives. (DELETE THIS SENTENCE)
3. Surveillance in society threatens civil liberties of the public, which mirrors Orwell’s fears. New abundance of supervision technologies composes a threat to freedom.
4.Civilization is being attacked by a surveillance community which invades people’s privacy and evokes fear in the people.
--How can I eliminate the LINKING VERB (is) to make the sentence smooth?--
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(Below are listed numbers representing the sentence # and my teachers suggestions on how I can change each sentence if need be. I put DONE in () to show that I fixed the suggestion.
1--stay in present tense (DONE)
2--”head” should be plural, as you are talking about workers and use the plural “their” (DONE)
3--These two sentences say the same thing. Keep one of them with the Orwell reference and delete the other.
4--Idiom error. Should say “causes fear in” or “evokes fear in”
# 3& #4 Are also (DONE)
sentence 4: 4.Civilization is being attacked by a surveillance community which invades people’s privacy and evokes fear in the people.
No linking: The attack by a surveillance community on civilization and fundamental privacy righte evokes fear...
Thankyou so much!
If you were the teacher, which sentence shoudl be better off in the essay?...
Ex 1) (Your example, Thankyou for that) :
The attack by a surveillance community on civilization and fundamental privacy righte evokes fear in people.
OR
Ex 2) A surveillance community attacks civilization; consequently, it invades people's privacy and evokes fear in people.
^ Did I use my semi-colon & comma right. Do I also need a comma before "and" or no?
Semicolon and comma are used correctly. No comma is needed before "and."
Introduction:
In the workplace, a new security system installs in the system. Workers feel jittery and watched by cameras placed above their heads. Surveillance is a controversial subject, with some citizens believing their liberty is threatened, while others think surveillance technologies will improve daily lives. However, the recent profusion of surveillance technologies and techniques poses a threat to civil liberties. This threat mirrors Orwell's fears and invades people's privacy, evoking fear in the public.
Explanation:
To eliminate the linking verbs and achieve a more mature and grammatically correct sentence, you can rephrase the sentences as follows:
1. "In the workplace, a new security system installs in the system."
- Here, the present tense is used to convey a sense of immediacy and ongoing nature of the installation process.
2. "Workers feel jittery and watched by cameras placed above their heads."
- Pluralizing "heads" and using the possessive pronoun "their" helps maintain consistency and clarity throughout the sentence. This makes it clear that the workers are being watched individually.
3. "Surveillance is a controversial subject, with some citizens believing their liberty is threatened, while others think surveillance technologies will improve daily lives."
- This sentence can be condensed by keeping the reference to Orwell and deleting the redundant statement. For example, you can say: "Surveillance in society threatens civil liberties, mirroring Orwell's fears."
4. "Civilization is attacked by a surveillance community that invades people's privacy and evokes fear in the public."
- To eliminate the linking verb "is," you can rephrase the sentence as: "A surveillance community attacks civilization, invading people's privacy and evoking fear in the public."
By making these changes, you maintain the clarity and maturity of the sentences while adhering to the requirements of the essay prompt.