The following BODY paragraph appeared in a student essay submission. Read it carefully, identifying srengths and weaknesses in the margins and fixing any errors with regard to content, style, grammar, and mechanics.
I this already & I could only find that there was no legit reason behind the quotes.What else is wrong with this body paragraph? I'll # each sentence so it's easier to identify.
_____________________________________•English Language & composition - Zoe , Wednesday, September 2, 2015 at 5:27pm
Also check if the source citation is correct... I'm pretty sure the period should go after the citation.
1.) Source B explains that surveillance can influence the behavir of immates.
2.) Jeremy Bentham designed a panipticon prison that would allow efficient surveillance of imates.
3.) A panipticon is a circular building that allows the whole interior to be watched from the middle.
4.) As a result of this, the inmates would be influenced to behave well, knowing that they are being watched at all times.
5.) Bentham states that "The more constantly the persons to be inspected are under the eyes of the persons who should inspect them, the more perfectlu will the purpose o the establishment have been attained." (Bentham, par.1)
6.) Basically, meaning hat a prisons purpose has been attained if the inmates are always under the eys of the men who should be watching them.
7.) It is possible for the purpose to be attained with survellance cameras (Bentham).
If the statement inside the quotation marks is a direct quotation (word for word and not paraphrased), the quotation marks must be used. And, yes, the period belongs inside the quotation mark if that is the end of Bentham's sentence.
I would rearrange the sentences, and eliminate sentence one entirely, using sentence 5 as the topic sentence, then 2, 3, 4,6, and 7, with some rewriting to make it flow better, with better transitions. This paragraph does not directly identify Source B, but I assume it is Bentham. If it's a different source, it should be stated, and that might affect the way the paragraph is written.
Strengths:
- The paragraph provides information about Source B and Jeremy Bentham's concept of the panopticon prison.
- It includes a direct quote from Bentham to support the argument.
- The paragraph effectively explains the purpose of the panopticon and the influence of surveillance on inmate behavior.
Weaknesses:
1.) "I this already & I could only find that there was no legit reason behind the quotes." - This sentence seems to be a note from the student and does not contribute to the essay. It should be removed.
2.) Sentence 1: "behavir" should be corrected to "behavior."
3.) Sentence 2: "panipticon" should be corrected to "panopticon."
4.) Sentence 4: "inmates" should be corrected to "inmates."
5.) Sentence 6: "hat" should be corrected to "that" and "eys" should be corrected to "eyes."
Errors to fix with regard to content, style, grammar, and mechanics:
1.) Sentence 1: "behavir" should be corrected to "behavior."
2.) Sentence 2: "panipticon" should be corrected to "panopticon."
3.) Sentence 4: "inmates" should be corrected to "inmates."
4.) Sentence 6: "hat" should be corrected to "that" and "eys" should be corrected to "eyes."
5.) Sentence 5: The citation format is incorrect. The period should appear after the citation.
6.) Sentence 7: It should be clarified whether "survellance" refers to surveillance cameras or surveillance in general. Additionally, the citation format for the source should be corrected.
The revised paragraph would look like this:
1.) Source B explains that surveillance can influence the behavior of inmates.
2.) Jeremy Bentham designed a panopticon prison that would allow efficient surveillance of inmates.
3.) A panopticon is a circular building that allows the whole interior to be watched from the middle.
4.) As a result of this, the inmates would be influenced to behave well, knowing that they are being watched at all times.
5.) Bentham states, "The more constantly the persons to be inspected are under the eyes of the persons who should inspect them, the more perfectly will the purpose of the establishment have been attained" (Bentham, par.1).
6.) Basically, this means that a prison's purpose has been attained if the inmates are always under the eyes of the men who should be watching them.
7.) It is possible for the purpose to be attained with surveillance cameras (Bentham).