Here is the second bit of my description of a school dining hall. Can you please check it and suggest any improvements with my vocabulary and my attention to detail. If possible can you help me to include metaphors and personification, where possible....Thank you
Back at the snake like queue, the proud boy wad standing there with pride and full of accomplishment. But not for long.
'You, yes you. Get to the back of the line.NOW!' the principle demanded with absolute anger. The boy endeavouring to argue back but instead slowly drifts to the back of the line, in shame, whilst his friends laugh in hysterics.
The dining hall is busier than evet. Conversations fly opem with emptiness, whilst table are yet again layered with custardy casserole.
At the other end of the hall, two teachers, a rolling convoy of superior tanks, superheads the drive towards the snake line. They pleasantly go against all rules, order their food (with extras, no cost) and off they go with no care in the world.
The serving of food is drawing to a close. The snake like queue slithers away, leaving the pne boy, who was at the back, just purchasing the left overs of sludgy soup and the half broken bread roll. Three stern looking secretary's stroll in and bravely handle the viscous tables that squeak in pain and agony. They stack the chairs in high towers, each uncomfortable. As the chattering comes to an end, so does the food. The popular table walk away, leaving their trayd behind in victory of reducing the young girl into tears. The young girl slowly drifts away into the distance, dragging her heavy rucksack, which sagged with a lack of life. The bell rings. All is left is the clattering of pots and pans and still the same old smeell of the hall, which reeks with sourness and sweat. It's yet again another repeated cycle of a typical lunch at school.
Here is a revised version of your description, incorporating some improvements to vocabulary, attention to detail, and the addition of metaphors and personification:
In the winding queue resembling a slithering snake, a proud boy stood with a swagger of accomplishment. However, his triumph was short-lived. Suddenly, the principal's voice thundered, filled with absolute anger. "You, yes you! Get to the back of the line. NOW!" The boy tried to argue back, but instead, he slowly drifted to the rear, engulfed in shame, while his friends erupted into laughter, like a chorus of hyenas.
The bustling dining hall was busier than ever. Conversations echoed, lacking substance, while the tables became once again coated with custardy casserole, resembling a creamy sea washing over the surfaces.
Towards the opposite end of the hall, two teachers, resembling a rolling convoy of superior tanks, fearlessly bypassed all rules. They confidently placed their orders, garnished with extras at no cost, and without a care in the world, they exited the scene.
As the serving of food approached its end, the snake-like queue slithered away, leaving only one solitary boy, who had found himself at the back. He reluctantly settled for the remnants of sludgy soup and a half-broken bread roll. A trio of stern-looking secretaries strolled in, bravely taming the unruly tables that squeaked in protest, their chairs stacked high like uncomfortable towers.
As the chatter gradually subsided, so did the availability of food. The popular crowd casually abandoned their trays, leaving them scattered in their wake, victorious in reducing a young girl to tears. Slowly, the young girl drifted away into the distance, dragging her heavy rucksack, which sagged with weary weight, as if devoid of life itself.
Then, the bell rang, echoing through the hall. All that remained was the clattering of pots and pans and the enduring stench of the dining hall, permeated with sourness and sweat. It was yet another predictable cycle, repeated once more, a typical lunch at school.