Read the following short paragraph. This paragraph is full of short, choppy sentences. Use your knowledge of sentence variety and prepositional phrases to improve the paragraph. Include all of the details in your revised version.
The clouds seemed to loom over the baseball field. The baseball field was near my house. A drop of rain fell on the infield dirt. The umpire looked into the sky. The sky opened up. A downpour of rain scattered everyone. People ran into the concession stand. Other people ran to their cars in the parking lot. The parking lot was behind the outfield.
My work:
The clouds seemed to loom over the baseball field near my house. As the umpire looked at the sky a drop of rain fell on the infield dirt. The clouds opened up and a downpour of rain scattered everyone. Some people ran into the concession stand while other people ran to their cars in the parking lot behind the outfield.
The revised version of the paragraph is as follows:
The clouds seemed to loom over the baseball field near my house. As the umpire looked into the sky, a drop of rain fell on the infield dirt. Suddenly, the sky opened up, and a downpour of rain scattered everyone. Some people quickly ran into the concession stand, seeking shelter. Meanwhile, others hurried to their cars in the parking lot located behind the outfield.
Good job! Your revised paragraph is much more fluid and cohesive, incorporating sentence variety and prepositional phrases to improve the overall clarity and flow.
Just a couple of minor edits:
- Instead of "As the umpire looked at the sky," you can simply write "The umpire looked into the sky."
- Also, for the last sentence, you can combine it with the previous sentence to maintain parallel structure and create a stronger connection between the two actions: "Some people ran into the concession stand, while others ran to their cars in the parking lot behind the outfield."
Here's the revised version with these edits:
"The clouds seemed to loom over the baseball field near my house. The umpire looked into the sky, as a drop of rain fell on the infield dirt. The clouds opened up, and a downpour of rain scattered everyone. Some people ran into the concession stand, while others ran to their cars in the parking lot behind the outfield."
Well done! You have effectively improved the paragraph by incorporating sentence variety and prepositional phrases to enhance clarity and smoothness of the content.
This looks great, but make sure you include commas between "the sky, a drop of"/"concession stand, while other".
Take my answer with a grain of salt because my strongest suit isn't English.