Editorial Evaluation (Writeacher)
posted by Anonymous on .
What do you think now? I tried to follow your advice as well as the instructions in the website link you provided for me.
Correction: "As a student, why have you enrolled in the University of Georgia? What do you wish or intend to gain? You might answer by naming the degree you want to pursuit in order to achieve your dream job. This is the same reason African Americans have for attending our university as well. However, although they came here merely for an education, African Americans have only dealt with harsh prejudice at the University of Georgia so far. Therefore, it is time for us to make a change.
Today, in the majority of our society, the harsh treatment of African Americans is not only accepted, but also encouraged. Nevertheless, we must change our cruel behavior toward them. They have become like us: students who have the same goals for education. How would you feel if you were hated by every member of the student body before they even knew your name? If you were judged by a characteristic you are born with? The color of their skin doesn’t nor shouldn’t matter. Like us, African Americans are living, breathing beings. Although many believe them to be inhuman, they have feelings and emotions; hopes and dreams. Like us, they also wish to receive an education. And who are we to deny themselves of that? Who are we to deny them of learning, to harass them, to judge them based upon their skin tone? We consider them as monsters, but what are we when we treat African Americans in this way? How are we any different from the vile creatures they are described as and that are told about to children by their parents at night?
Furthermore, African American students deserve to be treated with respect because, according to the Declaration of Independence, “all men are equal” and “they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights.” Therefore, they have the same right to attend this university as we do. Thus, we have no reason to treat African American students as unfairly and cruelly as we have. Yes, this type of behavior may be considered as “the norm” towards African Americans, but the reality of the situation is that this needs to change. Forget whatever you have been told. They are humans who came here as students; nothing more. So, we should treat them as such; as we want to be treated."
Nice job revising the first sentence of the second paragraph.