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March 27, 2017

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What do you think? Does it require any improvements? What do you suggest?

What I have been assigned: "[w]rite a 3-paragraph editorial that tries to persuade students at the University of Georgia to accept African-American students."

What I have written: "As a student, why have you enrolled in the University of Georgia? What do you wish or intend to gain? You might answer by naming the degree you want to pursuit in order to achieve your dream job. This is the same reason African Americans have for attending our university as well. However, although they came here merely for an education, African Americans have only dealt with harsh prejudice at the University of Georgia so far. Therefore, it is time for us to make a change.
I believe we should change our behavior towards African Americans for many reasons. The foremost one, however, is that African American students are the same as us: students who possess the same goals for education. The color of their skin doesn’t nor should matter. Like us, African Americans are living, breathing beings. They possess feelings and emotions; hopes and dreams. And yes, one of them is to receive an education. Who are we to deny themselves of that? Who are we to deny them of learning, to harass them, to judge them based upon their skin tone? We consider them as monsters, but what are we when we treat African Americans in this way? How are we any different?
Furthermore, I believe we should treat African Americans differently because, according to the Declaration of Independence, “all men are equal” and “they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights.” Therefore, they have the same right to attend this university as we do. Thus, we have no reason to treat African American students as unfairly and cruelly as we have. They came here as students; nothing more. So we should treat them as such; as we want to be treated."

  • Editorial Evaluation (Writeacher) - ,

    You need to clarify this: "...I believe we should treat African Americans differently..." This seems contradictory to the whole rest of the paper.

  • Editorial Evaluation (Writeacher) - ,

    Oh, no. I actually meant that the students should treat African American students from how they treat them now. I can use a different term, though.

  • Editorial Evaluation (Writeacher) - ,

    Correction: Oh, no. I actually meant that the students should treat African American students differently from how they treat them now. I can use a different term, though.

    Correction: "I believe we should treat African Americans respectfully..."

  • Editorial Evaluation (Writeacher) - ,

    Besides this contradictory error, do you suggest any other improvements or revisions?

  • Editorial Evaluation (Writeacher) - ,

    I don't find it persuasive, although I don't disagree with your premises. These three paragraphs are basically saying this is what you believe and everyone should agree with you. It's not persuasive!

    http://www.powa.org/index.php/convince

    Read through the steps here and use them.

  • Editorial Evaluation (Writeacher) - ,

    It's an editorial, an essay that offers an opinion on an issue. It's not meant to be persuavsive.

  • Editorial Evaluation (Writeacher) - ,

    "[w]rite a 3-paragraph editorial that tries to persuade students at the University of Georgia to accept African-American students." <~~???

  • Editorial Evaluation (Writeacher) - ,

    Oh. How do I make it persuasive, then?

  • Editorial Evaluation (Writeacher) - ,

    Read through those steps and follow them.

    Each step doesn't have to result in a complete paragraph, but all the steps need to be addressed and dealt with.

  • Editorial Evaluation (Writeacher) - ,

    I must have misread and misunderstood my instructions.

  • Editorial Evaluation (Writeacher) - ,

    I don't understand what you mean.

  • Editorial Evaluation (Writeacher) - ,

    Whether an assignment says "persuade" or "convince" or "argue," the point is the same:

    1. State your proposition ... and make sure it's an arguable premise. If no one would disagree with you, then there's nothing to convince others about.

    What are the other elements listed in the link I gave you above that you need to include?

  • Editorial Evaluation (Writeacher) - ,

    What do you think now? I tried to follow your advice as well as the instructions in the website link you provided for me.

    Correction: As a student, why have you enrolled in the University of Georgia? What do you wish or intend to gain? You might answer by naming the degree you want to pursuit in order to achieve your dream job. This is the same reason African Americans have for attending our university as well. However, although they came here merely for an education, African Americans have only dealt with harsh prejudice at the University of Georgia so far. Therefore, it is time for us to make a change.
    Although society insists otherwise, we must change our cruel behavior toward African American students. They are like us: students who possess the same goals for education. How would you feel if you were hated by every member of the student body before they even knew your name? If you were judged by a characteristic you are born with? The color of their skin doesn’t nor shouldn’t matter. Like us, African Americans are living, breathing beings. Although many believe them to be inhuman, they have feelings and emotions; hopes and dreams. Like us, they also wish to receive an education. And who are we to deny themselves of that? Who are we to deny them of learning, to harass them, to judge them based upon their skin tone? We consider them as monsters, but what are we when we treat African Americans in this way? How are we any different from the vile creatures they are described as and that are told about to children by their parents at night?
    Furthermore, African American students deserve to be treated with respect because, according to the Declaration of Independence, “all men are equal” and “they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights.” Therefore, they have the same right to attend this university as we do. Thus, we have no reason to treat African American students as unfairly and cruelly as we have. Yes, this type of behavior may be considered as “the norm” towards African Americans, but the reality of the situation is that this needs to change. Forget whatever you have been told. They are humans who came here as students; nothing more. So, we should treat them as such; as we want to be treated.

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