posted by Edwin on .
I would for you to overlook my narrative essay, for corrections and your advice. The essay is not finished, but would like to know am I on the right path.
A Painful Moment
It was the summer of 1998; I was twenty years old celebrating the 4th of July with my brother the day before our grandmother birthday. Our Aunt Tammy held a family gathering at her house to celebrate both occasions together provided with food, music, and fireworks. My brother and I were very close we did everything together, but on this day after the family gathering we decided to hang-out with our friends. As I called my girlfriend to come get me from my Aunt house, my brother friend “Allen” arrived simultaneously to pick him up. We said goodbye and went our separate ways, but little did I know this would be the last time I would see my brother alive.
Now it’s July 5th the next day as I awoke to a conflict of emotion going through my mind. As time went on I continued to have an unsettling feeling of the something maybe wrong hibernating inside of me. I tried several times to contact my brother throughout the day but was unable to contact him. After talking with his friend Allen, I learned my brother was taken to our grandmother house yesterday and stayed the night there. Then I began to calm down as a huge sense of relief started to overcome me. Later on that day I received a call from my Uncle Ronny in regards to someone being hit by a car down the street from where our grandmother lives. I monitored the local news station for further information. Then it came across the news channel an unidentified man died from injuries suffered in a motor vehicle accident.
I think you mean you'd like someone to look over your essay. To overlook means something quite different!
"to celebrate both occasions together provided with food" should be ...to celebrate both occasions, complete with food ...
hang out (no hyphen needed)
OK, that's 4 major errors in the first 4 sentences ... time for you to go back through and correct things.
READ YOUR PAPER ALOUD TO SOMEONE, or ask someone to read it aloud to you. Wherever you or the reader stumbles, you know there's a big problem to fix.