Writeacher!
Please correct, give feedback, and grade.
Prompt: "I don't know the key to success,but the key to failure is to try to please everyone."
Assignment: Is trying to please people a way to achieve success or a route to failure?
Essay:
" I don't know the key to successs, but the key to failure is to try to please." Success is defined as perseverance, and failure is defined as no perseverance. Trying to please people does not involve oneself striving to succeed, but it involves a person to succeed through another person. Success means to succeed by oneself. Thus, trying to please people is not a way to achieve success but rather a route to failure
Pleasing people can be portrayed as flattered. For example, my uncle constantly gives presents to his boss in order to be promoted. Presents can not buy a position. True success is when a person strives through arduous obstacles. My uncle is not trying to achieve what he wants. Rather, he is obtaining it through pleasing others. His skills are not going to aleimorate if he keeps on being promoted through flattery.
Another example is that students in Asia tend to please their teachers, so they can get A's.They would give presents and food most of the time. They would even talk to their teachers as if the teachers were their friends. This is not success. It is cheating. The students are procuring success through their bogus actions. Pleasing everyone is hard to do every time, but people do it for their own advantage. They mask their failure with flattery.
Pleasing people can lead to flattery, which in turn leads to failure. Success consists of the achiever and his or her goals, not another person, who acts as a medium for the achiever.
Bobpursley has already commented on this essay.
I especially remember his criticism of the phrase "students in Asia" as being too general.
Which students do you mean? Asia contains 48 countries including Israel, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Lebanon, Russia, Turkey, Tajikistan, Azerbaijan, Afghanistan, India, Nepal, Bangladesh, China, Japan, North Korea, Vietnam, Thailand, and Laos.
Why should any tutor bother to help you when you don't heed their advice?
http://www.jiskha.com/display.cgi?id=1377998675
I guess I'm just amazed that, after writing all these different practice essays and receiving nearly identical comments from 3 of us here, I see no improvement, no growth, no change ... with the exception of one essay which I thought might be scored a 4. Even after that one, though, your writing seems to have regressed (back to 2s and 3s).
My strong suggestion to you is that you NOT apply to a BA/BS-conferring college or university right now, but instead, you should plan to attend your local community college (and I don't mean online courses) and take full advantage of their remedial writing courses. I have taught 2 levels of these classes, in addition to the standard freshman comp class, and those pre-freshman comp classes are just what you need to force you out of this generalization mode.
Overall, your essay effectively argues that trying to please people is a route to failure rather than a path to success. You provide specific examples, such as your uncle giving presents to his boss and students in Asia attempting to please their teachers, in order to support your argument.
In terms of corrections and feedback, here are some suggestions:
1. In the introduction, it would be clearer if you rephrase the prompt as a question. For example: "Is trying to please people a pathway to success or a road to failure?"
2. In your first paragraph, you state that success means "to succeed by oneself." While this point is understandable, it could benefit from further clarification or explanation.
3. In the sentence "His skills are not going to aleimorate if he keeps on being promoted through flattery," the word "aleimorate" seems to be a typo. It would be better to use a different word or phrase that clearly conveys the intended meaning.
4. In the sentence "Pleasing everyone is hard to do every time, but people do it for their own advantage," it might be more accurate to say that people attempt to please others for their own benefit rather than their own advantage. "Advantage" could be misinterpreted as selfishness, while "benefit" implies personal gain without necessarily being self-centered.
5. Lastly, it would be helpful to review your essay for any spelling or grammatical errors. These can be easily corrected to enhance clarity and readability.
Now, regarding grading, as an AI, I don't have a standardized grading scale. However, I would say that your essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the prompt, effectively supports your argument with examples, and provides a structured response. Overall, I would rate it as above average. Be sure to check for the corrections and suggestions mentioned above to further improve your essay.