posted by Vanessa on .
Imagine that you are an agent who is interested in publishing new authors. Choose any book you like and present the book to a publisher in New York.
To whom it may concern,
A very great friend of mine decided to begin writing the bible for kids. He just completed it! He wanted to write a children's bible to help kids even new Christians understand the bible more. I just finishing reading my favorite book of the bible, which is Esther. I loved the way the way he wrote and used a lot of small and short words to make the bible more understandable than the actual bible itself is. He included short stories that had God's commandments and morals in it. There's a short story on everything! One story told about how one boy's friend stole something and he thought it was wrong and told his father about it, and his father told him a story in the bible and verse where it said it wasn't okay to steal.
I think this children's Bible should be published because it's a good way to teach your kids about God, and when he was first on earth.
Please read this aloud to someone ... or ask someone to read it aloud to you.
Fix all the errors that are obvious to you (and you'll hear them!), and then re-post.
Can you tell me what my errors were?
You don't have to help me.I was writing on what I believe in.Are you Christian? I'll just write about something else!
No, your topic is fine. I'm just hoping you HEAR the errors so you can find some of them yourself. You won't always have a proofreader, and you need to be ready to proof your own work at times.
Bible (capital B ... every time when you're referring to the Holy Bible)
kids (better to use the word "children")
"to help kids even new Christians understand the bible " <~~2 commas are needed in here; do you know where?
"There's a short story on everything!" <~~Are you sure "on" is the right preposition here??
"One story told about how one boy's friend stole something and he thought it was wrong and told his father about it, and his father told him a story in the bible and verse where it said it wasn't okay to steal. " <~~Too long for one sentence; where and how will you divide it? Also you'll need to clarify who "he" is: the boy? the friend?
Also ... did the author of this book provide a children's version of the Bible itself ... and then ADD the short stories all the way through? Or what?
Hey. I rewrote and fixed a lot of it and want you to check what I have so far!
To whom it may concern,
A very great friend of mine began writing a Children's Bible, and now just finished it. He wanted to write a Children's Bible to help kids, even new Christians understand the Bible more. He spent a lot of time rewriting the Bible to where it was understandable for children. Through out the entire book he was written short stories symbolizing God's commandments and life lessons. Such as, God's commandments story itself. This story is called "God's rules". The story is about how The children at Roadston's school house enjoyed making every teacher miserable. Soon, Mr. Rocky became their teacher and suddenly the children new he was different. Mr. Rocky was a Christian. He taught them that they needed rules in their life. Without rules everything would be chaotic! He showed them God's rules. God's rules were the commandments.
Lower-case "c" on "Children's" -- in fact, double-check ALL capital letters and make absolutely sure they need to be capitals.
Delete the unnecessary words: very, great (unless you're describing his size)
I said 2 (TWO) commas are needed in that second sentence; you added only one.
"he was written" <~~??
Do the stories symbolize? Or do they illustrate or explain? These are not identical or interchangeable.
Throughout = one word
"Such as, ... " = fragment, not a complete sentence
"God's Rules." (period BEFORE the closing quotation marks)
"This story is ... This story is ... " <~~How will you get rid of the repetition? There are other places in here where sentences can be combined to get rid of repetitive phrasing. http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/concise.htm
new/knew = ???
life/lives = Do all those different children lead only one life?
The content is fine ... now you're working on the mechanics (grammar, punctuation, etc.).
I've finish it! I believe it's done. I checked/fixed the mistakes. Check once last time? Thanks.
To whom it may concern,
A very great friend of mine began writing a children's Bible, and now just finished it. He wanted to write a children's Bible to help kids, even new Christians, understand the Bible more. He spent a lot of time rewriting the Bible to where it was understandable for children. Through out the entire book he wrote short stories illustrating God's commandments and life lessons. Such as the commandments of god God's itself. The story "God's rules," is about how The children at Roadston's school house enjoyed making every teacher miserable. Soon, Mr. Rocky became their teacher and suddenly the children knew he was different. Mr. Rocky was a Christian. He taught them that they needed rules in their lives. Without rules everything would be chaotic! He showed them God's rules. God's rules were the ten commandments.
I strongly believe it should be published because it's helpful and useful to everyone. Whether your a new Christian yourself seeking to learn the Bible, Or your trying to begin to teach your children about God, but can't understand the the actual Bible it's worded so perfect it's as if God personally came and told you all about the Bible himself! I remember when I first tried reading the bible, it was really hard understanding it! It was written so long ago the vocabulary that was used is barley used today, which again makes it hard to understand since we have changed our vocabulary since then. A lot of the big words are shorten to smaller words to make it more easy to read.
Since the finishing of the children's Bible I've been reading more of the Bible and understanding a lot more! There's even a question and answer page in the back of the bible to answer some of your questions!
I want to thank you for taking the time and reading my letter,and really hope you do consider publishing the children's Bible!
Check on these:
Wow! You need to keep working on this ... get someone (your mom or a friend or someone) to read it ALOUD to you and help you with all these kinds of things. You shouldn't be making errors like these (and others I haven't listed) anymore.
Well, I'M SORRY! Excuse me. I don't use the words in the bible in my vocabulary! I don't say "He shall not goeth to the park." I say "can't go to the park."
Please carefully read what Writeacher posted. Apparently you don't understand it because she never mentioned Biblical vocabulary.