Would someone please proofread my broadcast news story.. I'd appreciate feedback.
Thanks in advance
A University student ran into her professor at school the same day she pretended to be sick. Naomi Bush says because she did not finish her project last week when it was due—so she emailed her professor—Amy Olivares pretending she had the flu so she could have extra time to finish. Bush has an English class in the same building—Brown Hall—about 15 minutes after her Spanish class is over. As soon as she came in Brown hall she ran into Olivares about five minutes after her Spanish class ended. Bush says that Olivares still let her turn in her project the next day—but this was her most embarrassing moment—and she will never put herself in that position again.
Wow! What is this? Are you writing something you have to speak into a microphone?
What are all those dashes doing in there? Are you aware of which sentences are complete sentences and which aren't? And how to punctuate them??
How can you make sure all the "she" references are truly referring to the right person? Naomi or Amy? Or are they different people? It's really hard to tell.
yes that's exactly how i'm writing it. This is a broadcasting class so the dashes indicate pauses, suppose to substitute for comma's.
I'll add my 2 cents to the excellent comments from Writeacher.
This is hardly a news story.
Whatever it is, I agree with Writeacher that it's terribly confusing.
would you mind pointing out where you see the errors?
MsSue, this was the assignment:
You are the reporter! Write a broadcast feature story on something you observe
this week.
It can be about a friend, an event, a conflict at work, something unusual that
happened to someone you know, etc. It should be current…meaning it happened
within the last week. The choice is yours and is something that wouldn’t necessarily
make the news.
This HAS to be a true story…you can’t make it up!! One page (:30) should be
sufficient!
Focus on this, first of all.
How can you make sure all the "she" references are truly referring to the right person? Naomi or Amy? Or are they different people? It's really hard to tell.
amy is her professor, I said that here :so she emailed her professor—Amy Olivares pretending she had the flu so she could have extra time to finish.
Was that unclear?
Then straighten out those two people -- put them in separate sentences if you have to. Right now, those references aren't at all clear.
Sure, I'd be happy to help proofread your broadcast news story. Here are a few suggested edits:
"A university student ran into her professor at school on the same day she pretended to be sick. Naomi Bush explains that she had not finished her project, which was originally due the previous week. To buy herself some extra time, she sent an email to her professor, Amy Olivares, pretending that she had the flu. Bush's English class is located in Brown Hall and starts about 15 minutes after her Spanish class ends. As soon as she entered Brown Hall, she unexpectedly encountered Olivares, just five minutes after her Spanish class had finished. Despite this unexpected encounter, Olivares still allowed Bush to turn in her project the following day. However, Bush describes this incident as her most embarrassing moment and vows never to put herself in that position again."
Overall, your story is clear and concise. Make sure to proofread for any other grammatical errors, punctuation mistakes, or awkward sentence structures. It's also a good idea to read it aloud to ensure that it flows smoothly and is easily understood.