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english/broadcasting

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can you proofread my broadcast news stories I had to write.. had to write 3 of them answering the who what when where why and how... if they need revising that's fine.. from what i understand broadcast news stories have to be conversational.

1. THE MICHIGAN STATE SUPERINTENDENT SAYS RAISES FOR OUR TEACHERS WILL HELP LURE MORE INTO THE FIELD. MIKE FLANAGAN SAYS THAT A 100-THOUSAND DOLLAR RAISE WILL ESPECIALLY HELP RECRUIT MATH AND SCIENCE TEACHERS... HE SAYS A RAISE IN TEACHERS PAY WILL ALSO HELP US CONTINUE TO GET THE MOST QUALIFIED PEOPLE TEACHING OUR STUDENTS---TODAY AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN.

2. A FAMOUS PORN STAR IS IN CRITICAL CONDITION. THE 59-YEAR-OLD RON JEREMY IS BEING HOSPITALIZED AFTER HAVING A HEART ANEURYSM YESTERDAY. JEREMY IS IN SURGERY AND IN GOOD HANDS ---ACCORDING TO A FACEBOOK POST BY HIS MANAGEMENT THIS AFTERNOON … HIS EVENT AT CENTRAL MICHIGAN UNIVERSITY ABOUT THREE WEEKS FROM TODAY TO DISCUSS PORNOGRAPHY WITH PASTOR CRAIG GROSS --- WILL BE DELAYED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.

3. LOCAL FINANCE EXPERT SAYS MICHIGANS NEW EMERGENCY MANAGER LAW WILL LIKELY FACE LEGAL CHARGES WHEN IT'S PASSED IN TWO MONTHS. ERIC SCORSONE SAYS THIS LAW IS SIMILAR TO THE PUBLIC ACT 4 —THE EMERGENCY MANAGER LAW THAT WAS REJECTED LAST NOVEMBER. HE COMPARED THE LEGISLATION TO A COMPLEX BOARD GAME WHERE PLAYERS HAVE MULTIPLE OPTIONS FOR REACHING THE END—TODAY DURING A SEMINAR HE LED IN DETROIT.

  • English/broadcasting - ,

    Please do not use all caps. It's considered shouting and therefore, rude.

    1.
    You need Flannagan's full title.
    http://www.michigan.gov/mde/0,1607,7-140-6530_6526-121770--,00.html

    He does not want to give teachers a 100,000 raise. Go back and read your source again.

    This raise includes all Michigan teachers not just U. of M. teachers as your last line implies.

    2. OK

    3. Michigan's
    Identify Eric Scorsone

  • english/broadcasting - ,

    First I'd like to apologize for the caps.. But my professor told us to write in caps since it's a broadcast class and we have to write like we speak, and caps make an easier read, so that's what I did.

    for number 1 I got my source from mlive,com it won't let me most the link here... but on mlive,com the headline is: State superintendent: $100,000 salary would lure more math and science teachers

  • english/broadcasting - ,

    OH for my last line.. the university of michigan is where he made the statement.

  • english/broadcasting - ,

    OK about the caps. Thanks for clarifying this.

    1. You've just used the headline. You need to explain more in your news story.

    3. You didn't make that detail clear.
    You could do it this way:

    Today during a seminar in Detroit, he compared the legislation . . .

  • english/broadcasting - ,

    Ok my teacher said don't start sentences with today, so would this work?:
    HE COMPARED THE LEGISLATION TO A COMPLEX BOARD GAME—TODAY DURING A SEMINAR IN DETROIT—WHERE PLAYERS HAVE MULTIPLE OPTIONS FOR REACHING THE END.

    also you said to identify Scorsone.. I did at the top my calling him the Local finance expert as the lead.

  • english/broadcasting - ,

    How about --

    During a seminar in Detroit today . . .

    Scorsone is usually identified as an economist.

  • english/broadcasting - ,

    Thanks so much for your help!! I really appreciate it

  • english/broadcasting - ,

    You're very welcome.

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