Question

Help me fix this so it flows better, and has more imagery?

Written from POV of a guy, just saying.
"I didn't speak my question aloud; it only echoed in my mind and shine in my chestnut brown eyes as I struggled to use what little strength remained in my body so that I could sit up."
I normally write better, but not when I'm pressed for time like this. Help? Thanks!

Answer 1

Try restating it as simply as you can. It's better to do that than to take something convoluted and straighten it out!