Can you please revise this?
posted by Anonymous on .
It is a huge pleasure for me to write this letter to you. My name is name, a current high school senior at school name located in the city of city's name. I want you to know that I am a very faithful fan of yours. I enjoy your writings, especially your story of the Holocaust. It has really inspired me to not complain every time I’m facing moments of unconformities and to feel more often tolerance for others.
Three months ago I started reading your wonderful piece of literature Night in my English class. This was the very first time I got to know about you and your past. As I read every single page of this book, my admiration for you became indefinite. The anecdotes that you tell us, the readers, about your surviving experiences in the concentration camps can’t be describe as anything, but admirable. It is admirable to see how at such an early age you find ways to survive the Holocaust. However, the controversial conflict that you are currently facing with your beliefs in God has marked a red flag in your life. Why do you believe that God has remained in silence at you and why do you doubt about His greatness? I know that in moment of desperation we tend to rely on his powerful love. We find shelter in Him and we believe that we are going to be protected in bad situations. I disagree on how you plan to resolve this conflict. Don’t ever try to rebel against God, our omnipotent creator. Remember what Moshe the Beadle once said to you ‘‘There are thousands and one gates leading into the orchard of mystical truth. We must never make the mistake of wanting to enter the orchard by any gate but our own.’’ In other words, you must be responsible of your own fate. God is there to guide you, but you are the one who has to draw conclusions on how to get to you goal.
I feel related to your conflict very much. There was a time in my life where everything seemed to be a horror movie for a long time. I have an uncle who suffered a cerebral paralysis due to a heart attack that left him in a really bad physical condition. My family, even those naive young members unaware of my uncle’s severe health condition prayed to God every night to rely in that someday He would cure my uncle. Unexpectedly, everything got worse when the doctors diagnosed my uncle with a malicious lung cancer. We all broke in cry and suddenly started questioning on God’s action. I took a sit in the dark silence of the hospital room where my uncle was and step by step I started losing faith in God. This was the exact moment when I recalled what Martin Luther King once said ‘‘The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.’’ I realized that God has a plan. He tests how much capable we are to handle hardships. As Moshe the Beadle said to you, we are the ones who draw our fate and I believe that’s exactly what God’s plan is all about in order to make us STRONGER. Don’t ever lose your faith to God! If you do so, you are not going to finish up your goal in surviving the Holocaust because you will then feel hopeless and discourage to continue. Just like in my case, I have faith that my uncle will soon be cured because I now understand that faith can move mountains.
"especially your story of the Holocaust" -- did he write only one story of the Holocaust?
"inspired me to not complain" -- awkward phrasing; how else can you write this?
Go through your paper, one sentence at a time, from the end to the beginning. This will help you isolate any problems that need to be fixed.
Let us know what you come up with.