English 8R - Essay Check (plzzz read!)
posted by Lauren on .
Please check my English essay to see if it's good. I need help with my conclusion.
There are similarities and differences of the activities that take place in both urban and rural setting. The activities that take place in both rural and urban setting of these two pieces. These two pieces are the Empire State of Mind by Jay-Z and War Party by Lous L' Amoure.
Both of the characters in both pieces never quit. In War Party, Ma never gives up on finding a new home. She wanted to keep going. There were some conflicts on the way but she and her family survived and finally found a new home. One of the conflicts were when Bud and his family were traveling west in start a new life but his father got killed by an Indian attack and they were confronted by Indians and Ma saved the day by speaking their language. In the Empire State of Mind, Jay-Z sang in the song that how you should never give up on your dreams and work hard. "New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of there's nothin' you can't do." "Came here for school, graduated to the high life."
One of the writing pieces are rural and the other urban. In the Empire State of Mind, Jay-Z describes an urban area, which is New York City. He's describing the places in New York City, "Yea I'm out that Brooklyn, now I'm down in TriBeca right next to Deniro, but I'll be hood forever". It can affect a character by the way dress, act, and treat others. In the War Party, Ma and her family were traveling in the west. When traveling in a rural area it's takes a long time but zero traffic.
These are the similarities and differences of the activities that take place in both urban and rural setting.
***Sorry I re-post it, it's because while your're reading your going to be loss in the paragraphs so I space them***
There are similarities and differences between the activities that take place in both urban and rural settings. These two pieces are the "Empire State of Mind" by Jay-Z and "War Party" by Lous L' Amoure.
Omit the second sentence because it is incomplete and unnecessary.
In the second paragraph, change "gives" to "gave" because all of your other verbs are in the past tense.
You need to describe the differences.
Then, in your conclusion, sum up the differences and the similarities.
Let me be frank. Its lousy.
1. In the introduction, describe in brief what you are going to to. Something like the trailer of a movie.
(Para1)In the subsequent paragraphs, point out a contrast and a related similarity.
4. Summarize in a few lines what you pointed out in the paras. End your essay with a smart sentence, which is not a cliche.
I haven't read the other author but I've read a lot of Louis L'Amour Novels. This is the 19th century, immigrants are coming with their families to settle in wagons, to Red Indian Areas, crowding the native out. Whereas the other novel appears to have a modern setting. A common thread is the unity between the immigrants, at times of adversity.
If you think, you'll be able to find other points too.
your essay needs to be revised carefully. Sorry, but I believe in being frank.