Homework Help: English narrative

Posted by <h2>TotalEnglishNoob</h2> on Sunday, December 9, 2012 at 12:09pm.

Hello and thanks for starting reading this post :) I have written a english narrative that has very very bad grammar and the rest... :D I would be very thankful if you could help me fix that narrative :) Here it is (BTW it is not a real story, I made it up cause I had no ideas xD):
Unexpected experience

Few weeks ago after day at school I was going to a shop called "Maxima". I was walking and thinking about what chockolade I should buy.

Suddenty, I herd a crash and a scream. I was very interested. I rushed the way I herd the crash. When I arrived I saw a lot of people looking at something, a little bent car and some bloody spots on congrete. I desired to see what people were looking at. It was a badly hurt man with a bent bicycle near to him. I was depressed and scared.

Noone thinked up to call an ambulance, so I did. By that time the driver that hit the man was very nervous, although he was not hurt at all. Few minutes later ambulance arrived. Paramedics ran to the hurt man, bandaged the wounds and checked the condition. They told everybody that his condition is very bad, but he should survive.

In the end they took the man and driven away. Later on even though paramedics told that the man life is safe I still felt sad. That was an experience I never want to have again!

... So yeah... This narrative is very bad! The repeating "I" are really annoying... Please help me :) Huge thanks in advance :)

English narrative - Ms. Sue, Sunday, December 9, 2012 at 12:25pm
Your English is very good! I wish some of our American students could do as well.

I've made my corrections in boldface.

A few weeks ago after day at school I was going to a shop called "Maxima". I was walking and thinking about what chocolate I should buy.

Suddenly, I heard a crash and a scream. Since I was very interested, I rushed the way toward the crash. When I arrived I saw a lot of people looking at something, a little bent car and some bloody spots on the concrete. Looking more closely I saw what people were looking at. It was a badly hurt man with a bent bicycle near to him. I was depressed and scared.

No one thought to call an ambulance, so I did. By that time the driver that hit the man was very nervous, although he was not hurt at all. A few minutes later an ambulance arrived. Paramedics ran to the hurt man, bandaged the wounds and checked the condition. They told everybody that his condition is very bad, but he should survive.

In the end they took the man and drove away. Later on, even though paramedics told that the man life is safe, I still felt sad. That was an experience I never want to have again!
English narrative - Tana, Sunday, December 9, 2012 at 12:44pm
A few
chocolate
Suddenly
I
heard
English narrative - <h2>TotalEnglishNoob</h2>, Sunday, December 9, 2012 at 12:51pm
Thank you very very much :) sadmuffin(dot)net/cherrybam/graphics/comments-thank-you/thank-you024.gif
English narrative - Ms. Sue, Sunday, December 9, 2012 at 1:10pm
You're very welcome.

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