First of all, make sure you have addressed every one of the directions for this piece of writing.
The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided you to choose the type of position for which you applied. Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and formal business writing.
Double-check what you wrote and make sure you have addressed ALL of these points I've put in bold above.
PS -- Putting the following (in quotation marks) at the beginning of your letter will turn people off if they're looking for what INSPIRED you toward this CAREER, not just what made you apply for this job!!
Delete these sentences from your paragraph: "I am most drawn in applying for this position with your office because of the working hours, salary, and medical benefits package. The office hours are excellent, Monday through Friday 8:30 a.m. to 4 p.m. and one Saturday a month 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. The salary package is quite appealing at $12.50 an hour with an exceptional medical benefits package."
The tone of your writing is somewhat submissive, in my opinion. I am not certain a medical office is looking in that in a person who is sending out bills to collect income.
I recommend more assertiveness. Why do you want this job? Why is is perfect for you (what do you expect to get out of it)? How will the employer benefit from you?
"Polished writing" includes using tone to make your point. I agree with Writeacher on the delete, than is just nonsense. Why would you tell the employer what his pay and hours are?
I am not certain your experience described with your mother-in-law qualifies as an experience that guided you to this field: surely you went to that particular field because of something else..what was it?
Okay.. thanks so much to you all for your help. I will try again.
Please help! I have been working on this for two weeks! I have read the book several times. I need to turn this is soon. I took all of your suggestions into consideration and basicallly rewrote the entire paragraph. Please review again... thanks
Dear Mrs. Beverly Trudal:
I understand that you are seeking to hire a Billing Specialist at one of your Medical University of South Carolina locations. I was first inspired to gain the knowledge to enter the Medical Billing field because of a close family member. My Aunt was a Medical Billing Specialist. She told me a story about a patient that asked her for help. The woman had been trying for 2 years to get her husband an electric wheelchair through Medicare, and it was continuously denied. This particular patient had amputations of both legs. With the approval of the physician she worked for; he allowed her to proceed. She took pictures of this patient's legs and sent along a detailed medical report to Medicare. After 8 months of fighting with Medicare, the wheelchair was delivered and covered in full by Medicare. That is when I realized pursuing the medical billing field would give me the resources to help others. I am anxious to begin my new career, and MUSC is where I want to be, considering you have the latest advances in medicine, and world-class physicians. I believe that I have the qualifications needed to benefit your company. I have worked as an administrative assistant for ten years. Therefore, I have experience working independently, problem solving and paying strict attention to detail. I have now completed my training at Penn Foster Career School in Pennsylvania in which I accomplished courses in Office Procedures, Medical Terminology, Confidentiality of Allied Health, and Body Systems. With the education I have obtained, and eagerness to enter this profession, I know that I can be a significant part of the MUSC team.
Melissa D. Hall
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