Homework Help: writing sentences and paragraphs

Posted by Help Me on Tuesday, September 18, 2012 at 1:27pm.

Paragraph 1

Background
You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an
interview and tells you to bring with you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing
skills. The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided
you to choose the type of position for which you applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully
about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want
to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to
think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and
formal business writing.

HERE IS MY PARAGRAPH:

I’m replying to your career opportunity posted on your website. I understand that you actively seeking to hire a Claims and Billing Coordinator at one of your Kaiser Permanente locations. I have been employed with Kaiser Permanente for eight years and work in the laboratory department as a phlebotomist. I' am looking for a new opportunity to advance my career, also to ensure a stable future for myself and my family. The Health Care industry has always been a dream of mine to pursue, however I had to decide that as phlebotomist there is not much you can advance. So, after some researching I decided to pursue a Medical Billing & Coding degree, which led me to taking classes at Penn Foster University. What inspired me to decide on this career was my younger sister who is a Medical Billing & Coding and also how she really loves her job because she has the opportunity to advance in her field. Just to see and know how much she has advance in her job compare to my job has really made a big difference to me and how I see my future. Upon completion, I have gained the knowledge and proficiency in medical billing and collections programs. I also have the ability to multitask, follow through skills, a team-oriented attitude, and work well under pressure. I value your mission and visions to providing a full range of health related services including prevention, wellness, and education. As a Claims and Billing Coordinator within your company, I am confident that I could make a valuable contribution to the medical team serving your patients and insurance companies in a timely manner.

writing sentences and paragraphs - Ms. Sue, Tuesday, September 18, 2012 at 1:49pm
Please read this slowly, word-for-word, aloud. I'm sure you'll catch many of the errors then.
writing sentences and paragraphs - Help Me, Friday, September 21, 2012 at 12:49am
I DID SOME CHANGES, LET ME KNOW HOW I DID

I’m replying to your career opportunity posted on your website. I understand that you actively seeking to hire a Claims and Billing Coordinator at one of your Kaiser Permanente locations. I have been employed with Kaiser Permanente for eight years and work in the laboratory department as a phlebotomist. I' am looking for a new opportunity to advance my career. The Health Care industry has always been a dream of mine to pursue, however as phlebotomist there is not much you can advance. So, after some research I decided to pursue a Medical Billing & Coding degree, which led me to taking classes at Penn Foster University. What made me decide on this career was my younger sister who is a Medical Billing & Coding and also how she really loves her job because she has the opportunity to advance in her field. Just to know how much she has advance in her position compare to my job has really made a big difference to me and how I see my future. I want a career were I can use the knowledge and proficiency I have gained in the medical billing and collections programs. As a Claims and Billing Coordinator within your company, I am confident that I could make a valuable contribution to the medical team serving your patients and insurance companies in a timely manner.
writing sentences and paragraphs - Help Me, Monday, September 24, 2012 at 2:25am
ON THE SECOND PARAGRAPH I SENT YOU I FOUND SOME MISTAKE SO I'M SENDING A THIRD ONE AND IT MAYBE THE FINAL ONE, I HOPE :)

I’ am applying for the Claims and Billing Coordinator position at Kaiser Permanente. I have been employed with Kaiser Permanente for eight years and work in the laboratory as a phlebotomist. I' am looking for a new opportunity to advance my career. The Health Care industry has always been a dream of mine to pursue, however as a phlebotomist there is not much you can advance in this field. So, after some research I decided to pursue a degree in the Medical Billing & Coding profession. What made me decide on this career is my younger sister who works as a Claims Specialist has always encouraged me to pursue a degree in Medical Billing & Coding program. She knew that this was the right career for me because I would always ask her questions regarding her position and her duties as a Claim Specialist. What caught my attention more was how much she has advance in her position, compare to my job. That’s what made me look at my future in a whole different way. I want a career that offers me the opportunity to advance and were I can also use the knowledge and proficiency I have gained in the medical billing and collections programs. As a Claims and Billing Coordinator within your company, I am confident that I could make a valuable contribution to the medical team serving your members and insurance companies in a timely manner.

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