Homework Help: Improving Your Writing

Posted by Babs on Tuesday, August 14, 2012 at 8:51am.

Background:

Ten years ago, you started working as a clerk for DMD
Medical Supplies. Six months ago, Liz Jakowski, the human
resources director, promoted you to office manager. You
manage two employees: Jack Snyder and Ruth Disselkoen.
Your office provides secretarial support for the four members
of the executive team. Two years ago, Liz had assigned Jack
to support Ralph Alane and Jessica Hilo. Ruth was assigned
to Samuel Daley and Frank Daley. The work flow was
equally balanced.
You’ve noticed that in the last three months Ruth has cut her
breaks short to complete her work, complains of being tired,
and at least twice a month requires overtime hours costing
the company an additional $200 a month. In the last three
weeks, Frank Daley has complained to you a few times about
the poor quality of Ruth’s work.
On the other hand, over the last three months, Jack frequently
seems to have little to do. He has begun coming in late a
couple times a week and taking more than the allotted break
times. What work he does have, however, is always professionally completed.

Clearly, you must investigate to determine what is causing
this change and how to improve the situation. Since nothing
has changed in the personal lives of either Jack or Ruth, you
conclude you must focus on the in-office work situation. You
learn the following facts:
• Samuel and Frank Daley share a part-time administrative
assistant who works only 15 hours a week.
• Ralph Alane and Jessica Hilo share a full-time administrative
assistant.
• Jessica Hilo has been on medical leave for the last four
months, and Liz Jakowski isn’t sure whether Jessica will
be able to return to work.
• Jessica’s duties have been temporarily reassigned to
Ralph and Frank.
Although you don’t have the authority to change the work
assignments of the two administrative assistants or the
executive team, you clearly need to change your office
assignments so that both Jack and Ruth work regularly
without requiring overtime.

After they ask to do webbing and prewritting skills they want these paragraphs divided as follows:

SECTION 1
Facts and Figures that define the problem (the cause)

Details that show the impact of the problem (effects on Jack , Ruth and the company.

SECTION 2
The steps needed to change the situation

Reason to implement each step including the benefits to your employees , your supervisor and the company

Information about your role in the change.

With all that said and all the brainstorming and webbing and prewritting done. This is just a rough draft ,so haven't fixed all grammar errors.

For the past three months, I have noticed problems in the work flow within our company of DMD Medical Supplies. I manage two teams which consists of the executive team of Frank and Samuel Daley which Ruth Disselkoen supports, and only has a part time administrative assistant, and the executive team of Jessica Hilo and Ralph Alane which is supported by Jack Snyder has a full time administrative assistant. Jessica Hilo has been on medical leave for last 4 months. Jessica’s work has temporarily been assigned to Ralph Alane and Frank Daley. Before Jessica Hilo’s medical leave, the workload was equally divided. There were no problems with the quality or amount of work being given, and there were no overtime expenses. Frank Daley has informed me he is very unhappy with the poor quality of the work that Ruth has been doing. She has been going on shorter breaks to get her work done, is often exhausted and requires overtime hours at least twice a month which is costing the company $200 each month .Ralph’s team supporter Jack, seems to be affected also. Although his work is always professionally completed, he has been coming in late for work, taking longer break times and seems to have very little to do with his time at the office. I feel at this time that these problems must be looked at and resolved so I will schedule a meeting with Liz Jakowski, the Human Resources Director, and all teams involved.
As office manager I believe the best way to solve this situation would be to assign both teams full time assistants. This would cost the company a bit more money but would result in a more work flow among both teams. It would also cut down fewer overtime hours. Also, I think it would be a good idea to assign some of Jessica’s tasks to Jack, as it will give him a heavier workload. We should try these solutions for at least a three-month trial period. Since we have no idea when /if Jessica is coming back, I think we should hire a temporary replacement. With this solution in place, I believe will make our employees happier and minimize stress for everyone and make the business, as a whole, more efficient over the longer term.

Improving Your Writing - Writeacher, Tuesday, August 14, 2012 at 9:02am
I'm putting in bold words and phrases you need to reconsider and correct:

For the past three months, I have noticed problems in the work flow within our company of DMD Medical Supplies. I manage two teams which consists of the executive team of Frank and Samuel Daley which Ruth Disselkoen supports, and only has a part time administrative assistant, and the executive team of Jessica Hilo and Ralph Alane which is supported by Jack Snyder has a full time administrative assistant. <~~That is WAY too long and convoluted to be one sentence. How can you fix it? Jessica Hilo has been on medical leave for last 4 months. Jessica’s work has temporarily been assigned to Ralph Alane and Frank Daley. Before Jessica Hilo’s medical leave, the workload was equally divided. There were no problems with the quality or amount of work being given, and there were no overtime expenses.<~~How can you say all that more concisely? Frank Daley has informed me he is very unhappy with the poor quality of the work that Ruth has been doing. She has been going on shorter breaks to get her work done,<~~She goes on breaks to get her work done?? is often exhausted<~~comma needed here and requires overtime hours at least twice a month which is costing the company $200 each month .<~~How can you rephrase that "which..." clause so the sentence is not so convoluted? Ralph’s team supporter<~~Can't you delete those words; they seem redundant to me ... and therefore cause wordiness. Jack,<~~delete comma seems to be affected also. Although his work is always professionally completed, he has been coming in late for work, taking longer break times<~~comma needed and seems to have very little to do with his timeThose last ten words don't make sense. at the office. I feel at this time that these problems must be looked at and resolved<~~TERRIBLY wordy! How can you rephrase this whole sentence to cut out the unnecessary/redundant words so I will schedule a meeting with Liz Jakowski, the Human Resources Director, and all teams involved.
...

The huge problem in all this is the wordiness. You are using far too many words to say some relatively simple things.

Read this over and start pruning your draft of the excess verbiage!
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/concise.htm
Improving Your Writing - Babs, Tuesday, August 14, 2012 at 9:15am
Thank you for all your advice.It is a rough draft,just wanted to know if I was in right direction.
Improving Your Writing - Writeacher, Tuesday, August 14, 2012 at 9:27am
Yes, the content is going right. Now to just streamline the words and ideas.
Improving Your Writing - bobpursley, Tuesday, August 14, 2012 at 11:44am
The comment I have is you used "I" quite a lot, even to me moving the focus on you the observer, rather than what was observed. I would shift to the third person. They, he, she, ....
Improving Your Writing - Babs, Tuesday, August 14, 2012 at 4:55pm
Revised my rough draft,could you check and see if it's better.Thank you.

For the past three months, I have noticed problems in the work flow within our company, DMD Medical Supplies. The problems are with my two employees, Jack Snyder and Ruth Disselkoen. Jack supports the team of Jessica Hilo and Ralph Alane, and Ruth supports the team of Frank and Samuel Dale. Frank and Samuel share a part time assistant, whereas Ralph and Jessica have a full time assistant. Jessica has been on medical leave for last 4 months. Her work has temporarily been assigned to Ralph Alane and Frank Daley. Before Jessica’s medical leave, the workload was equally divided. There were no problems, and there were no overtime expenses. Frank Daley has informed me he is very unhappy with the poor quality of the work that Ruth has been doing. She has been going on shorter breaks, is often exhausted, and requires overtime hours at least twice a month, which is costing the company an additional $200 a month. Jack seems to be affected also, although his work is always professionally completed. He has been coming in late for work, taking longer break times and often has very little to do. These problems must be looked at and resolved. I will schedule a meeting with Liz Jakowski, the Human Resources Director, and all teams involved.
As office manager I believe the best way to solve this situation would be to assign both teams full time assistants. This would cost the company a bit more money but would result in a more work flow among both teams. It would be beneficial to assign some of Jessica’s tasks to Jack, as it will give him a heavier workload. We should try these solutions for at least a three-month trial period. Since we have no idea when /if Jessica is coming back, we should hire a temporary replacement. With this solution in place, I believe will make our employees happier and minimize stress for everyone and make the business, as a whole, more efficient over the longer term.

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