posted by jennifer on .
I wrote an essay because i'm apply to get into the honor's program.
I'm supposed to write about who i was, who i am now, and who I would like to be.
I would appreciate it if I got some feed back along with grammar correction. Is my essay even close to being okay or does it suck?
UCLA is one of my top 4-year university that I wish to attend. It's a very a competitive school to get into and I realize that in order to survive in UCLA or in any other 4-year university, I have to challenge myself to work harder. I am interested in applying for the Transfer Honors Program at West Los Angeles College, because I know that this program will help me get to where I want to be.
In the year 2007, I attended California Polytechnic State University of San Luis Obispo and majored in Biomedical Engineering. Some of goals were to be one of top students to graduate, get on the Dean's List, and get involved in various types of club activities. Despite all the things I have heard regarding that freshman year of college will be stressful and hard to get used to, I managed to do very good my first year and got very good/decent grades. However, my grades started to deteriorate beginning my Sophomore and Junior year. After experiencing life in the dorms, I was so adamant to be accepted among the cool kids who went to parties every weekend, so I slowly let my school work slip and got my priorities mixed up. Due to my lack of thinking when it came to making smart decisions, I failed at college and life. I started college with the right goals and high expectations, but somewhere during my three years of college, I let myself get influenced with the people around me. Who was I before? I was a weak person. I had a goal of who I wanted to be, but I let myself get distracted and took everything for granted. At the end, I got nowhere.
After taking a year off from school, I decided I don't want to spend my whole life working as a food server. I decided that I want to make a name for myself in something I love and asked myself what I wanted to do. During my first three years at Cal Poly as a Biomedical Engineer, I realized I enjoyed the science aspect of the subject, but not so much the subject of Engineering. I made a decision to take control of my life and start over again from the beginning with a goal of getting a degree in Biology and going back to college. These decisions did not happen overnight. I went through lot of issues, somehow I pushed myself to get up after pushing myself down. Overcoming all my emotional and financial obstacles have made me a better and stronger person today. Before I had a goal, but had no idea on how to get there. I still have the same goals, but now, I have a new perspective and outlook on life. Today, I'm stronger, more self-confident, and more motivated. I'm more active in life and looking for a way to better myself in school by taking the initiative to get what I want.
I want to be a successful educated woman in the future. I see myself graduating from a 4-year university (hopefully, UCLA), applying for medical school and becoming a doctor eventually. I plan on getting more involved with the community and volunteer in hospitals and health care facilities. I want to help people in my life and make a difference. I wish to continue to be a stronger person and motivate myself to be more than just an ordinary person. I wish to challenge myself as far as I can go and challenge others around me. I wish to be a good student and want to see myself succeed this time around. "Third time's a charm" is a phrase people usually refer to, however, I can't afford fail at getting college education again. My goal for the future is make it and succeed the second time.
Your paper is good. You should read it aloud to someone -- from the bottom up -- that is, start with the last sentence and read the sentences separately until you reach the first sentence. You'll find little things that need correction.
The only other things I'd change might be spending less time on the past and more time on the explanation of why you want in this program and what it would mean for your future.