Posted by Jalia on Sunday, May 6, 2012 at 3:21pm.
Can you proofread my research paper, I mostly need help on vary sentence structure?
Being Poor Doesn’t Mean a Thing
“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when the skies are grey.” These are the lines from Louisiana’s famous singing Governor. This poor, small boy had big dreams and he didn’t let anything get in his way of reaching his goals.
His Childhood Life
Many people don’t know where Jimmie Davis came from, before all his fame and fortune, but here’s where he started off as a little boy. He was born in Quitman, Louisiana on September 11, 1899. There were many struggles that Jimmie Davis had to live through as a child. He and his family were poor sharecroppers. However, he and his ten siblings had to live in poverty. His parents couldn’t even afford a big house for all the children, so they had to live in a two-room house. In other words, he had to sleep on the floor of one of the rooms until he was 9 years old. He worked in cornfields and worked on the street corners to earn money. Therefore, since he was so poor, he used the money for a good cause, his education.
Jimmie Davis’s career began in 1929, when he signed to Victor Label. He wanted to follow his dream of being a singer. He left Victor Label in 1934; then, he went to another company, Decca Records, later on in that year. Jimmie Davis' grandfather, Henry Davis inspired him to pursue a country singing career. Henry Davis showed him how to love singing and taught him of some of his favorite songs; which led him to be a singer. Jimmie Davis was also very famous for being a songwriter and again a country singer. He was inducted in the Country Music Hall of Fame in 1972.
After accomplishing his dreams as a singer, he wanted to become governor of Louisiana, which he did. He served two terms as governor from 1944-48 and 1960-64. Afterwards he became Commissioner for Public Safety and Clerk of Court in Shreveport, Louisiana. As time passed he was inspired to act, he landed a huge role as himself in 1947 in a movie, called “Louisiana,” and he starred in several other movies. Lastly, he became a history teacher at Dodd, a small, private junior women college, which later closed down in 1942, in Shreveport, Louisiana.
He married Alverna Adams from Shreveport and had a son named James. She died in 1938, which led him to marry Anna Gordon later on. On November 5, 2000, at the age of 101 Jimmie Davis died.
All in all, Jimmie Davis was a strong, important person in Louisiana. He made a huge impact in the music industry, as well as in the political field. Even though he grew up poor, he didn’t let this stop him from accomplishing his dreams and goals. Jimmie Davis was determined to be someone.
Writing - Writeacher, Sunday, May 6, 2012 at 4:46pm
" ... Quitman, Louisiana on September 11, 1899."
What needs to be corrected here?
"There were many struggles that Jimmie Davis had to live through as a child. He and his family were poor sharecroppers. However, he and his ten siblings had to live in poverty."
Are you sure that "However" is the correct transition word for the meaning in these sentences.
"He worked in cornfields and worked on the street corners to earn money. Therefore, since he was so poor, he used the money for a good cause, his education."
Are you sure "Therefore" is the right transition word for this passage?
"Jimmie Davis' grandfather, Henry Davis inspired him to pursue a country singing career."
Do you see where there needs to be a comma added in here?
"Afterwards he became Commissioner for Public Safety and Clerk of Court in Shreveport, Louisiana. As time passed he was inspired to act, he landed a huge role as himself in 1947 in a movie, called Louisiana, and he starred in several other movies."
There's a run-on in here -- do you know where? Do you know how to fix it?
Read your paper aloud -- to someone else. Read it from the last sentence upwards to the first sentence, one sentence at a time.
What else needs fixing?
Writing - Patrick, Monday, June 25, 2012 at 12:48am
You have a lot of facts here about the singing governor. If you think about why each even occurred and try to explain, then you'll write a better paper.
For example, you say that his career began when he was signed to Decca Records. But, if you think about what you've heard of becoming a singer, you know that singers always have to sing a lot and fight their way to getting "noticed" and "discovered" before they get signed. Their careers begin when they begin trying to be paid professionals and not when (often years later) they actually win a record contract.
Your facts show that this is true in this case as well, because after you say that his career began with Decca records you say something entirely different and more true: From the time he was born, the singing Governor was song industry role model in his family who taught the singing governor to sing: his grandfather, Jimmy Davis. The singing governor first sang under his grandfather's tutelage and then he eventually won a contract with Decca Records.
If you try to show how your facts led to one another and relate to one another, you'll naturally adopt the right transition words and phrases, like "as a result," and your sentences will vary according to the facts you present and the relationship between them.
If you don't think about how the facts lead to one another in order of time (chronologically) and logically, then your writing will sound repetitive, like a list of facts. Try to explain why events happened and your writing will naturally get better.
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