There may be 10 syllables in the first line, but it doesn't follow the traditional iambic pentameter. You'd need to get rid of the second "Oh" and add one stressed syllable at the end of that line. Check all the other lines. In addition to having 10 syllables, they should be in this pattern:
da DAH da DAH da DAH da DAH da DAH
The only other thing is see is that in every sonnet I've read, whether by Shakespeare or anyone else, there's a shift in either the 9th line or the 13th line -- a shift in meaning in the opposite direction from what is being said in the first 8 (or 12) lines.
Here's one written during WWI that illustrates all this perfectly:
ANTHEM FOR DOOMED YOUTH by WILFRED OWEN
What passing-bells for these who die as cattle?
---Only the monstrous anger of the guns.
Only the stuttering rifles' rapid rattle
Can patter out their hasty orisons.
No mockeries now for them; no prayers nor bells;
Nor any voice of mourning save the choirs,---
The shrill, demented choirs of wailing shells;
And bugles calling for them from sad shires.
What candles may be held to speed them all?
Not in the hands of boys but in their eyes
Shall shine the holy glimmers of goodbyes.
The pallor of girls' brows shall be their pall;
Their flowers the tenderness of patient minds,
And each slow dusk a drawing-down of blinds.
Read about the poet and the poem here.
but the teacher doesn't want to follow the traditional iambic pentameter. In this case do you think my poem has 10 syllables per line and funny?
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