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Revised paragraph of 8-12 sentences

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I have to write these paragraphs for a writing assignment and just wasn't sure is I was doing it right. Need some advice!!

You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an
interview and tells you to bring with you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing
skills. The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided
you to choose the type of position for which you applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully
about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want
to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to
think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and
formal business writing.

Open a Word document and type the heading Paragraph 1. Begin your rough draft with the topic
sentence, in which you state the position and place, as well as your reason for wanting to be hired
as it relates to your inspiring experience. Develop the experience you organized in Step 2. Include
not only details about the one experience, but also show how that experience inspired you, particularly
as it relates the position for which you’re applying. Develop your paragraph using clear,
varied sentences containing concrete words and transitions or connectives to create a logical flow.
Show enthusiasm, yet maintain a somewhat formal tone.

This is what I came up with;

My ten years manager position at Creative Curl Beauty Salon encouraged me to apply on the Accounting/Office Administration position at Dexter Mining. With my experience of accounting, and enjoyment of working with people, I would be an asset to your company. After ten years of working in a Hairdressing Salon, I received a promotion to manager position of the salon. The responsibilities of salon manager led to the turning point, which I was eager to take. My duties as salon manager included; managing payroll and HST remittance for the government, balancing daily retail sales, ordering supplies, arranging staff work schedule, and arranging travel for staff and my employer to attend workshops. Over the course of being the salon manager for ten years, and working with the salon accountant, the love of working with numbers and the direct public grew. To ensure I was performing the manager duties respectfully, and accurately, the Salon accountant required me to present them with weekly journals, and meet with them periodically. After meetings, with accountants on several different occasions and providing them with the salon journals, they graciously, suggested I pursue a career in Office Administration to broaden my expertise in duties performed as salon manager. With a background of salon manager, pursuing a career in Office Administration is a positive step to take in my life long endeavors.

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