posted by Hero on .
I have to write a personal comments essay, please help me out in figuring if this is well written,makes sense and is worth it..
Truth be told I am fascinated by teeth. I find each molar precious and I want to preserve and pamper every atom that builds a tooth. Not only does your teeth determine your personality, but it is the first thing that touches the steak you enjoy and the clear enamel shows your responsibility towards yourself. Initially everything a human encompasses in their body is made up of order, however circumstances, and many other factors disturb that order within us. This disorder in your body causes us multiple other disorders. In the case of teeth, recklessness results in imbalance of your oral hygiene. Hence, the only place where you can eat a tasty steak from becomes hell for you.
Most dentists help point out the diseases in a patient's oral cavity, I, however, want to spread awareness to prevent these imbalances to occur. Pursuing dentistry has not only become a passion, but an obsession for me. The first thing that strikes me in a person, is their oral cavity. A clear enamel, a clean tongue, pink gums, and orderly jaw is how I make friends. My teeth are my prized possession and that is what motivates me to dive in farther than toothpastes, flosses, fillings and whitening treatments.
I have taken any opportunity that has come to me. But this year getting into to SMDEP is not only an opportunity that I have come across, but it is an opportunity that I will do anything to avail. Looking at the videos and pictures does not only motivate me, but make me envious of the students who have already been there. As a student in a government school in the middleeast when it was not as advanced as it is today; my semi-standard school never provided me with the exact environment to expand my outreach. But as growing up and circumstances landed me into another sub-standard institute such as a community college.Nevertheless, I have learned that your location or lack of money is never the factor in your success and just an excuse for you to keep looking at down at yourself. The best feeling is to have absolutely no facilities and and reaching your goals with only determination.
While my insecurity was the biggest influence for me to move to another country, today I look back at the day where I was seventeen years of age, hopeless, terrified. I walked into
My insecurity is the biggest influence, which lead me to look for other ways of success. Hence, moving out of Abu Dhabi at the age of only 17 was not only a challenge for me, but a great sacrifice. I was leaving prestigious residences, endless enjoyments, countless memories and my favourite of all my family. Far away I gave hope to my mother that I was doing great, but inside I was weak and hopeless. But all that did not matter to me when I looked at my future, I was ready to live in a shack, I was ready to eat Walmart food (there is really nothing wrong with that) and I was ready to fight the tides even if my surf board was from goodwill. Changing my location has changed my whole perspective of life. I look back at my high school days and see myself as negative and ambition-less student who feared that her school was too unpopular. But today I attend an average community college, save thousands of dollars of my retiring parents every year and have looked up the routes to fulfill my ambitions with full force.
Get rid of all instances of "you" and all its forms.
Correct all run-ons.
Use commas correctly.
Use regular vocabulary, not wording you think is "high-falutin'" and wordy!!
For the most part, the paper is okay. It just needs to be smoothed out and made a bit more forma.