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Writing Paragraphs and sentences

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Paragraph 2 good copy... Revised and corrected.


Anna, I am so happy you’ve moved back to Burlington from Bay view, Ohio! Especially since there are many more job oppurtunities here considering it’s a bigger city. In fact just yesterday I was talking with my boss at Metropolitan Music Company, Mr. Juzek, and he was speaking of needing an assistant. He desperately needs someone to assist him with the growing demand in orders for violins and supplies within our company. The position requires the ability to process incoming orders, making sure shipments of products and supplies go out in a timely manner and taking care of travel plans in the event of a trade show. He needs someone who is organized, patient and who can keep up with the pace of the incoming orders. As you’ve shown on various occasions at your previous workplace, you have the patience, organization, and ability to always work quick and efficiently and problem-solve without hesitation. I sincerely believe this position is perfect for you, and I believe you’re just what my boss is looking for in an assistant. I highly recommend you apply for this position as it can open many doors for your future. It can also provide you with stability and a steady pay with benefits, which is something I know you’ve been wanting for a long time. I will make sure to put in a good word to Mr. Juzek for you and hope to see your application in our office very soon.

  • Writing Paragraphs and sentences -

    Anna, I am so happy you’ve moved back to Burlington from Bay view, Ohio! OK

    Especially since there are many more job oppurtunities here considering it’s a bigger city. <~~still a fragment

    In fact just yesterday I was talking with my boss at Metropolitan Music Company, Mr. Juzek, and he was speaking of needing an assistant. wordy; try this: ...and he said he needs an assistant.

    He desperately needs someone to assist him with the growing demand in orders for violins and supplies within our company. OK

    The position requires the ability to process incoming orders, making sure shipments of products and supplies go out in a timely manner and taking care of travel plans in the event of a trade show. Parallelism problems. You have a series which consists of these: "to process ..., making sure ..., and taking care ... " How will you rewrite this so that ALL THREE of the parts of your series have the same construction?
    " target="_blank">http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/parallelism.htm


    He needs someone who is organized, patient and who can keep up with the pace of the incoming orders. Another parallelism problem. How will you fix it?

    As you’ve shown on various occasions at your previous workplace, you have the patience, organization, and ability to always work quick and efficiently and problem-solve without hesitation. Parallelism problem again.

    I sincerely believe this position is perfect for you, and I believe you’re just what my boss is looking for in an assistant. OK

    I highly recommend you apply for this position as it can open many doors for your future. OK

    It can also provide you with stability and a steady pay with benefits, which is something I know you’ve been wanting for a long time. OK, except for "a steady pay" <~~??

    I will make sure to put in a good word to Mr. Juzek for you and hope to see your application in our office very soon. OK

  • Writing Paragraphs and sentences -

    I don't understand the parallel problem at all if u could help with that, that would be great. I will work hard on this tomorrow .

  • Writing Paragraphs and sentences -

    That link I gave you does a really good job of explaining parallelism and giving examples. Basically, it means that if you have a series of three or more items in a sentence or paired ideas (compound sentence, compound verb, etc.), you MUST use the same form of the verb or noun or adjective or whatever the series or pair is made up of.

    I'll correct this sentence for you:
    The position requires processing incoming orders, making sure shipments of products and supplies go out in a timely manner, and taking care of travel plans in the event of a trade show.
    All 3 items in this series are now gerunds (-ing verbs) and the words that go with them.

    If you try to correct the other two, I'll check your work for you.

  • Writing Paragraphs and sentences -

    I will work on it tomorrow after work and I'll reread the website again ! Thanks :)

  • Writing Paragraphs and sentences -

    You're welcome.

    =)

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