Homework Help: english

Posted by Roarke on Friday, January 6, 2012 at 10:50pm.

Can someone help go through my homework? The topic is :
A high school diploma is important to my future.
I am required to write an eight-sentence paragraph that fully develops the topic.

A high school diploma open doors to a basic job, pay and is an eligibility criterion for most employment, which would otherwise be very limited.

It helps build self-esteem, instilling a sense of achievement, which is a contributing factor when interacting with others or making new friends because one has been equipped with the necessary core of awareness.

It helps one to build opinions and points of view for any given topic, as one has the capability of interpreting things correctly.

It helps develop a more meaningful outlook in life as one gains the confidence to make decisions, face life, accept successes and failures in good stride.

A high school diploma is also a stepping platform to jump start and prepare one for further education.

Apart from expanding one’s knowledge, exposure to wider horizons, looking at things from a better angle and train one’s personal attributes, one would make a significant contribution to the community, albeit, even a small one.

To some, it would even give a sense of social status, having gone through a common educational experience and build a sort of national identity and cohesion.

Without a high school diploma, one would probably be engulfed with fear and anxiety about one’s future, which in some people can be paralyzing.

Thank you in advance.

English - Writeacher, Saturday, January 7, 2012 at 7:24am
All this is very stilted and wordy. Study this, about writing concise sentences (writing your ideas as simply as possible):
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/concise.htm

Since many of your sentences also have series in them, be sure to study this about parallel structure:
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/concise.htm

Then revise everything and re-post.
english - Roarke, Sunday, January 8, 2012 at 3:59pm
I have made some changes to my homework. Please let me know if this will work. The topic is :
A high school diploma is important to my future.
I am required to write an eight-sentence paragraph that fully develops the topic.

A high school diploma open doors to a basic job, pay and is an eligibility criterion for most employment.

It helps build self-esteem when interacting with others or making new friends.

The capability of interpreting things correctly helps one to build opinions and points of view.

It helps develop a more meaningful outlook in life.

A high school diploma is also a stepping platform to jump start and prepare one for further education.

Apart from training one’s personal attributes, one would make a significant contribution to the community, albeit, even a small one.

Having gone through a common educational experience, it gives some a sense of social status.

Without a high school diploma, some would be engulfed with fear and anxiety about their future.

Thank you in advance.

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