Homework Help: Writing Sentences and Paragraphs

Posted by Shawna on Tuesday, January 3, 2012 at 8:47pm.

Background
You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an
interview and tells you to bring with you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing
skills. The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided
you to choose the type of position for which you applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully
about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want
to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to
think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and
formal business writing.
Process
1. Prewrite about your field of study and create a specific job for which you might want to apply
at a particular business or organization in your area. Outline what that position would look like.
Brainstorm details, names, titles, and facts to provide depth to your paragraph and enable you
to write a polished paragraph.

Below is my paragraph. Could someone tell me if i've done what is required and if I have poor grammar or errors. Any help editing would be appreciated.

In response to your job listing in my local newspaper. I understand you are seeking a Medical Administrative Assistant, to work in Fletcher Allen Hospital located in Burlington, Vermont. I understand in this required position, you must have the ability to; answer incoming calls, schedule appointments, check the patients in and out, as well as chart preparations and obtaining insurance information. I have myself, been in and out of hospitals throughout the years due to Tenosynovitis De Quervains. It has inspired me to want to give back to people and assist them with their medical issues to ensure their process runs efficiently and smoothly. It was always reassuring to know, throughout my surgeries that someone was there to assist me. To make each step on my way in a little more comforting and easy. I would like nothing more than to be able to give that reassurance back. Whether it be a simple appointment or a surgery about to be done. I beleive I am qualified for this position due to the following facts: I have the determination to work hard, the compassion to understand other people and their needs, and the ability to work well under pressure alone or in a team environment. After much research into different fields for an administrative assistant, I beleive what means most to me personally is the ability to help facilitate people in their time of need. I do not beleive I can find this in an office setting, which is why I have chosen the medical assistant position through Fletcher Allen.

Writing Sentences and Paragraphs - Writeacher, Tuesday, January 3, 2012 at 8:51pm
Check for sentence fragments (incomplete sentences).

Get rid of all instances of "you" and all its forms.

Go through and cut all extraneous words -- using 10 words to express what 4 words will do is not a good idea.

Correct and re-post.
Writing Sentences and Paragraphs - Shawna, Tuesday, January 3, 2012 at 8:55pm
Can you give me an example so I completely understand because I'm having trouble understanding what your asking and would really love to be able to correct what you see wrong. If you could pick out one sentence as an example it could help alot ! :) thanks for your feedback!
Writing Sentences and Paragraphs - Writeacher, Tuesday, January 3, 2012 at 9:00pm
Your first "sentence" is a fragment.
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/fragments.htm
Writing Sentences and Paragraphs - Shawna, Tuesday, January 3, 2012 at 9:05pm
Should I use my point of inspiration my mother's brain surgery rather than my wrist surgery is this what you mean by taking out the you part? I chose my wrist surgery due to the fact I wasn't around during my mom's brain surgery but I could use that instead. Also I see where I have incomplete sentences now but it's the extraneous words part I'm having trouble with. I just want to make sure I'm 100% clear before rewritting . Thanks sooo much !
Writing Sentences and Paragraphs - Writeacher, Tuesday, January 3, 2012 at 9:11pm
If you have to keep "you" in there to write about your mother, then yes, change to your own experience.

Here's an example of wordiness:
"I beleive I am qualified for this position due to the following facts:"
Better would be this: I believe I am qualified because...

Here's another:
"I have myself, been in and out of hospitals throughout the years due to Tenosynovitis De Quervains."
Try this: I have frequently been in hospitals because of...
Writing Sentences and Paragraphs - Shawna, Tuesday, January 3, 2012 at 9:16pm
Thank you soooooooooooooooo much , your help is very appreciated . I will work on this tonight and tomorrow with the help you've provided and send out a corrected version tomorrow evening once I can review it all . Good night and thanks again :)
Writing Sentences and Paragraphs - Writeacher, Tuesday, January 3, 2012 at 9:18pm
Some very effective things to do when going over your own paper are these:

1. Give a printed copy to someone else and him or her to read it aloud to you. Wherever the reader stumbles, a correction needs to be made. Also you will hear other things that you'll know immediately you need to fix.

2. Read the paper to another person -- backwards! That is, start with the last sentence, and read it aloud. Both you and your listener will know immediately if something needs fixing!
Writing Sentences and Paragraphs - Writeacher, Tuesday, January 3, 2012 at 9:19pm
You're welcome!
Writing Sentences and Paragraphs - Shawna, Wednesday, January 4, 2012 at 7:40am
In that case I'll have my boyfriend help tonight and repost tomorrow morning :) Great ideas and what a great website for homework help !
Writing Sentences and Paragraphs - Shawna, Wednesday, January 4, 2012 at 10:16pm
My Corrected Paragraph:

In response to your job listing in my local newspaper, I understand you are seeking a Medical Administrative Assistant, to work in Fletcher Allen Hospital located in Burlington, Vermont. I understand in this required position, you must have the ability to answer incoming calls, schedule appointments, check the patients in and out, as well as chart preparations and obtaining insurance information. A few years ago , my mother was rushed to the hospital with a severe headache and numbness above her right eye. It turned out to be a brain aneurysm, and required immediate surgery. Mrs. Peterson, the medical administrative assistant who checked my mother in, was quick to recognize her symptoms and ensure she got immediate care. Mrs. Peterson, is who inspired me to enter into this field of work, because of her hardwork and caring nature for each patient. She has made me want to work hard and assist patients with their medical issues to ensure their process runs efficiently and smoothly. I beleive I am qualified for this position because I have the determination to work hard, the compassion needed while assisting patients, and the ability to work well under pressure and in a team oriented environment. Fletcher Allen and the strong alliance to the University of Vermont shows the amount of teamwork needed in a medical facility, and is why I have chosen to pursue my career at your hospital.
Writing Sentences and Paragraphs - Shawna, Wednesday, January 4, 2012 at 10:24pm
My Corrected Paragraph:

In response to your job listing in my local newspaper, I understand you are seeking a Medical Administrative Assistant, to work in Fletcher Allen Hospital located in Burlington, Vermont. I understand in this required position, you must have the ability to answer incoming calls, schedule appointments, check the patients in and out, as well as chart preparations and obtaining insurance information. A few years ago , my mother was rushed to the hospital with a severe headache and numbness above her right eye. It turned out to be a brain aneurysm, and required immediate surgery. Mrs. Peterson, the medical administrative assistant who checked my mother in, was quick to recognize her symptoms and ensure she got immediate care. Mrs. Peterson, is who inspired me to enter into this field of work, because of her hardwork and caring nature for each patient. She has made me want to work hard and assist patients with their medical issues to ensure their process runs efficiently and smoothly. I beleive I am qualified for this position because I have the determination to work hard, the compassion needed while assisting patients, and the ability to work well under pressure and in a team oriented environment. Fletcher Allen and the strong alliance to the University of Vermont shows the amount of teamwork needed in a medical facility, and is why I have chosen to pursue my career at your hospital.

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