Posted by zuz on Tuesday, November 29, 2011 at 10:41am.
1. no comma required in the first sentence of your post.
I see this is quite long and my eyes will not scan up to the text, down to this box, back up, back down, etc. So, I am runnint off a copy of your story but will have to get back after an appointment.
Noticing where you put the period on the last line, I need to ask you if you are using British English or American English? There IS a difference in spelling, punctuation, etc.
Am using American English
The best way to correct this is to first tell you the kinds of mistakes you made. Then I'll take the entire story, adding punctuation, correcting spelling, etc.
1. When you begin to tell a story, decide first of all if you are telling it in the Present Tense (now) or the Past Tense (it already happened), and then STAY there. You began in the present but then shifted to the Past, except that you were mixing both tenses together.
A bad example is using "will" (future) for "would" (conditional). He SAYS (Present Tense) that he WILL (future) BUT he SAID (Past Tense) that he WOULD (also a Past Tense = Conditional)
2. Always check spelling = not "am" but "I'm", not "pasted" which you do with glue, but "passed" and not "hided" but "hid."
3. punctuation - careful of run-on sentences. That means 2 complete sentences running together without either a period or a semicolon. With a period, of course, the first word of the 2nd sentence must be capitalized.
What is a comma used for? In a long sentence, it will separate a clause and sometimes if you read the story aloud, you'll notice where you need a "pause" or "breath" somewhere.
Look very carefully at the changes here:
I'm going to tell you a story about a rabbit(deleted comma) and a turtle running a race. One sunny day the rabbit was running fast, and hopping around quickly showing off as usual; you know how rabbits are, (good place for a comma) but the slow turtle can hardly even move around.
I guess the only time turtles run fast is when they go after insects. (Because all this as been in the Present Tense, the next paragraph begins in the Past.)
So, on that sunny day, (comma) the rabbit was begging to run a race with the turtle. The turtle disagreed because he knew the rabbit was way faster than HE was. (is = Present/was = Past)
The rabbit convinced the turtle to race. The turtle said he would (will = Future / would = Conditional or Past) mark out where the race would (ame reason as above) be.
The rabbit agreed and said, "Tell me right away when you plan the race."
The turtle said (spacing)"ok, (comma) I'm (not am but I'm) going to plan the race with my friends, and I'll(capital I and apostrophe) let you know tomorrow morning."
Rabbit said, "all right."
After a while the turtle gathered his friends to plan the race.
They decided to cheat that fast rabbit to win. They said, (comma and beginning quote) "let's run the race all of us and take short cuts." (ending quotes)
They said, (comma and beginning quotes) "We (capital W) will run the race over the mound and on top of the hill." (end quotes)
They told the rabbit the next day that the race would (will/would) be over the mound and on top of the hill, and he agreed.
But the turtles all gathered to chat.
They picked out four turtles to cheat that fast rabbit. They (typo - you forgot the final "y") decided that in each round a turtle would (will/would) be hiding, (comma) so, on the start line, (comma) the first turtle would (will/would) run then hide and the other two would (add word) also hide and the fourth would (will/would) hide close to the finish line.
When the race started, (comma) the rabbit jumped and leaped and passed (not "pasted" but "passed") the first rabbit.
He jumped and leaped, (comma or the word "and") then the second rabbit came out from the plants it was hiding in; (semi-colon to avoid the run-on setence) when the rabbit came closer he was amused, and asked the turtle how he got there (not "here" but "there). (end setnence) The (capital T for beginning of new sentence) turtle answered, "Oh, (comma) I'm (am = I'm) still running; (semi-colon) I'm (am - I'm)still running."
The rabbit passed (passed, not pasted) the second turtle. The second turtle hid (hid, not hided) back as the rabbit passed him.
The rabbit took a break to eat, and drink water, (comma) then started running again. He found the third turtle ahead of him.
The rabbit was shocked and asked the rabbit,(1 less space here an after the beginning quotes) "How (capital H) did you pass me?!"
The turtle answered, "Ooh, I'm still running."
The rabbit passed the third rabbit; (semi-colon) it rushed to his final round.
But that turtle was waiting there and when the poor rabbit came he noticed it was too late and saw the turtle ahead of him.
The rabbit got angry because he was sure he didnít see that turtle passing him and said, "How did you get here?"
The turtle replied, "I ran to the finish line".
Cute story, but is that the end?
P.S. And the final period goes INSIDE the ending quotes, as it is American English.
"I ran to the finish line."
thank you soooooooo sooooo much :))
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