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plz plz help me with my assignment.

This is the assignment:-

•Your favorite cousin has moved to your town and is looking for a job.
•Her previous experiences are working as a cashier and sales clerk at two department stores.
•You know she plans to apply at similar stores in your town.
•But you also know she is a perfect match for a job opening as a reliable assistant to your boss.
•You know she has the skills, though she doesn't think she is as capable as she is, and you're sure she'd be good at this job.
•Your goal is to persuade your cousin to apply for the job.
•You e-mail her a paragraph explaining the specifics of the job and the reasons she should apply.
•You want to convince her that she has the job skills required.
•You'll use an informal tone, of course, but will take care to use correct business writing to show her that you take your recommendation seriously.

This is what i have prepared:-

I became very happy when I discovered you are back in town, and looking for a job. As per my knowledge, I know you have experience working as cashier and sales clerk in departmental stores and you’re still looking for a job that is similar to your previous experiences. I think you should take this one into consideration. My boss, Mr. Hopkins Fernandez, is currently seeking assistant for himself. He is the owner and operator of Hopkins Real Estate. The skills required for this position are good communication skills, answering phone calls and taking messages, setting up appointments, organizing documents and occasionally arranging meetings. You communicate with people very well and you are always organized, detail oriented and accurate in your work. I know how efficient and punctual you are and always open for new experiences. I personally feel you should definitely apply for this job because you have skills that are required for this position. It would be gratifying to have you in our team.

i want to know if i should add dear or sincerely to this and i also want to know if i have formatted correctly or not? and also my grammar and punctuation mistakes . thanks help.

  • business - ,

    Since this is to be an email message, you need to check your text/course materials to see what format is expected for emails.

    What you wrote is very wordy. Try this:

    I am very happy you are back in town and looking for a job. I know you have experience working as a cashier and sales clerk in department stores, and I know you’re looking for a similar job. Here's one to take into consideration: My boss, Mr. Hopkins Fernandez, the owner and operator of Hopkins Real Estate, is currently seeking an assistant. The skills required for this position are good communication skills while answering the telephone, taking messages, setting up appointments, organizing documents, and occasionally arranging meetings. You communicate with people very well, and you are always organized, detail-oriented, and accurate in your work. I know how efficient and punctual you are, as well as always being open to new experiences. I believe you should apply for this job because you have the skills required for this position. It would be wonderful to have you on our team.

  • business - ,

    thank you so much.

  • business - ,

    The very beginning sentence might read better as: "It made me very happy..."

    departmental stores? It's usually "department stores"

    seeking assistant = add AN assistant

    "in our team" = on our team

    If it is merely an email that you are to send to her, you won't need the salutation or closing of a letter. (Dear X, As ever, X)

    Sra

  • business - ,

    thank you so much Sra

  • business - ,

    Jinal,

    Please note that this is the only time I'll re-do your writing for you. Please note all the places where I made changes and learn from them.

    =)

  • business - ,

    i forgot to add one sentence which i think i should add before last sentence -

    "I also think this job will benefit you both personally and professionally by having a good scope ahead and also you can built good contacts."

    please let me know if i have written this sentence correctly ? thanks for help

  • business - ,

    sure writeacher i will definitely learn from my mistakes and thanks you again for letting me know my mistakes.

  • business - ,

    I also think this job would benefit you both personally and professionally by helping you build a good network for future career development.

  • business - ,

    thank you so much and i will definitely make a note of my mistakes. thanks

  • business - ,

    You're welcome. =)

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