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writing sentences and paragraph

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i need help on my assignment , please correct where i am wrong .

Assignment

You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an interview and tells you to bring with you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing
skills. The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided
you to choose the type of position for which you applied.

Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want
to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience.

This is what i have prepared:-

I am applying for the medical assistant position now available in your Fawcett Memorial Hospital at Newark, FL. I have 2 years of experience working as a volunteer to medical assistant, where, I enjoyed the versatility of medical assisting. I like working directly with patients, and Working with patients who absolutely adore me definitely motivates me to provide excellent care. I've worked with some elderly women who told me that they preferred my blood draws over others because I'm so gentle. Blood draws can be very painful, and they gave me a great feedback. When I worked for a doctor whose specialty was hepatology, I did medication side effect management with patients who were discouraged because the medication they were taking was making them feel sick, they needed someone to understand and listen to them. They felt they could talk to me more easily than the doctor. Sometimes, I had the time to make them feel comfortable. I had a patient cry when I left that job, she said, "I want to hear my results from you." As a medical assistant it's easy to build relationships with the patients and you get to learn every day, from your patients as well as your co-workers. I had such a nice time working with patients that I decided to get degree in medical assistant. I feel my qualification, experience and skills of being organized, respectful, and multi-tasking and caring makes me a good fit for this position.

  • writing sentences and paragraph -

    In a polished piece of writing, spell things out (names of states, numbers...).

    as a volunteer to medical assistant -- this doesn't make sense. You volunteered to a medical assistant? That doesn't make sense either. What was your volunteer position?

    who absolutely adore me -- wow! I don't even know what to say about that one in a polished piece of writing.

    Read all this out loud to someone -- or better yet, ask someone to read it out loud to YOU. You'll know where to fix it!

  • writing sentences and paragraph -

    thnaks for the reply can you please help me to write a correct paragraph

  • writing sentences and paragraph -

    Read it aloud (or listen to it) and then make corrections. There won't be very many, but you need to take care of a few things.

    Then re-post your corrected paragraph, and I'll go over it for you.

  • writing sentences and paragraph -

    Also ... make sure the word "you" and any of its forms are NOT in your paragraph.

  • writing sentences and paragraph -

    ok thanks again i will do that

  • writing sentences and paragraph -

    revised paragraph:-

    I am applying for the Medical Assistant position now available in your Ten Broeck Hospital at Newark, CA. I have 2 years of experience working as a medical assistant volunteer, where, I enjoyed the versatility of medical assisting. I like working directly with patients, because it keeps me motivated to provide excellent care to patients. I liked that people appreciated me; not just the patients, but their families, nurses, doctors, which was an achievement for me. I had also worked for a doctor whose specialty was hepatology, I did medication side effect management with patients who were discouraged because the medication they were taking was making them feel sick, they needed someone to understand and listen to them. They felt they could talk to me more easily than the doctor. Sometimes, I had the time to make them feel comfortable. As a medical assistant it's easy to build relationships with the patients and you get to learn every day from your patients as well as your co-workers and by the end of my shift, I am happy to have helped, and sad to be leaving. I had such a nice time working with patients that I decided to get a Certified in Medical Assistant; therefore, I feel my qualification, experience and skills of being organized, respectful, and multi-tasking and caring makes me a good fit for this position.

  • writing sentences and paragraph -

    ... now available in Ten Broeck Hospital at Newark, California. I have two years of experience ...

    ... working as a medical assistant volunteer, during which time I enjoyed the versatility of medical assisting ...


    There are punctuation problems --
    -- delete the comma before "because"
    -- remove the semicolon after "appreciated me" and put a dash there (a dash is done with two successive hyphens, like this -- )
    -- "hepatology, I did" and "feel sick, they needed" <~~2 run-on sentences. How will you correct these?

    And there are some wording issues:
    -- "which was an achievement..." has no clear antecedent. WHAT was an achievement?
    -- "more easily than to the doctor" (to make the comparison clear)
    -- Get rid of any instances of "you" and its forms.

    As a medical assistant it's easy to build relationships with the patients and you get to learn every day from your patients as well as your co-workers and by the end of my shift, I am happy to have helped, and sad to be leaving.
    That's WAY too much for one sentence. How will you fix this?

    ... therefore, I feel my qualification, experience and skills of being organized, respectful, and multi-tasking and caring makes...
    In the series in that sentence, you have three nouns, an adjective, and two gerunds (verb forms). That doesn't work well. They all need to be nouns; or they all need to be adjectives; or they all need to be gerunds.

  • writing sentences and paragraph -

    thank you so much, i have prepared other paragraph please let me know my mistakes and also i want to know does my idea match the requirement of assignment or no?
    thanks again for your prompt replies.

    This is what i have prepared:-

    Presently, I am pursuing diploma in medical administrative assistant from Penn Foster. Since last month I have been looking for job in administration department in a hospital, so I applied for medical administrative assistant position available at your Kaiser location in Tracy, CA. Healthcare industry has always been my goal to start as my career. I got inspired to choose this position because of some personnel experience. My dad was suffering from cancer and was admitted in hospital for one year and during this time I use to visit him daily to the hospital and I have seen how well the doctors, nurses and medical assistant had taken care of him and the administration department was also very cooperative to me. After getting such a nice treatment and care from whole medical department, I decided to make career in healthcare industry and I selected medical administrative assistant as my field. I also have 2 years of working experience as medical administrative assistant from where, I gained skills in office management, such as, data entry, reception for both walk-ins and phone inquiries , scheduling appointments, ordering supplies and other general office duties, apart from all this I am also proficient in computers, excellent typing and multi-tasking skills. Therefore, I fell with my qualification, experience and skills this position suits best for me. I am confident that I could make a valuable contribution to the medical team by serving patients and company in a timely manner.

  • writing sentences and paragraph -

    Presently, I am pursuing diploma in medical administrative assistant from Penn Foster. Since last month I have been looking for job in administration department in a hospital, so I applied for medical administrative assistant position available at your Kaiser location in Tracy, CA. Healthcare industry has always been my goal to start as my career. I got inspired to choose this position because of some personnel experience. My dad was suffering from cancer and was admitted in hospital for one year and during this time I use to visit him daily to the hospital and I have seen how well the doctors, nurses and medical assistant had taken care of him and the administration department was also very cooperative to me. After getting such a nice treatment and care from whole medical department, I decided to make career in healthcare industry and I selected medical administrative assistant as my field. I also have 2 years of working experience as medical administrative assistant from where, I gained skills in office management, such as, data entry, reception for both walk-ins and phone inquiries , scheduling appointments, ordering supplies and other general office duties, apart from all this I am also proficient in computers, excellent typing and multi-tasking skills. Therefore, I fell with my qualification, experience and skills this position suits best for me. I am confident that I could make a valuable contribution to the medical team by serving patients and company in a timely manner.

  • writing sentences and paragraph -

    thank you so much, i have prepared other paragraph please let me know my mistakes and also i want to know does my idea match the requirement of assignment or no?
    thanks again for your prompt replies.

    This is what i have prepared:-

    Presently, I am pursuing diploma in medical administrative assistant from Penn Foster. Since last month I have been looking for job in administration department in a hospital, so I applied for medical administrative assistant position available at your Kaiser location in Tracy, CA. Healthcare industry has always been my goal to start as my career. I got inspired to choose this position because of some personnel experience. My dad was suffering from cancer and was admitted in hospital for one year and during this time I use to visit him daily to the hospital and I have seen how well the doctors, nurses and medical assistant had taken care of him and the administration department was also very cooperative to me. After getting such a nice treatment and care from whole medical department, I decided to make career in healthcare industry and I selected medical administrative assistant as my field. I also have 2 years of working experience as volunteer medical administrative assistant from where, I gained skills in office management, such as, data entry, reception for both walk-ins and phone inquiries, scheduling appointments, ordering supplies and other general office duties, and apart from all this I am also proficient in computers, excellent typing and multi-tasking skills. Therefore, I fell with my qualification, experience and skills this position suits best for me. I am confident that I could make a valuable contribution to the medical team by serving patients and company in a timely manner.

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