Posted by Allyson on Wednesday, November 2, 2011 at 9:50am.
Hi, I've just finished looking over my rough draft of my essay on the History of Immigration, and was wondering if someone could proof-read it for me. Although I've had a teacher do it and everything, I thought I'd get someone elses help. So I've reached out to you guys.
Here's my essay:
Immigrants had a vision of America, thinking it was the best place in the world, as told in the 2 famous documents: the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, but soon made the wrong mistake when traveling to America. During the 1800ís and the early 1900ís, immigrants from all over the world came to the United States looking for freedom, and a better life in general. Immigrants came from a bunch of different places around the globe, such as: China, Japan, Russia, France, Spain, Turkey, and Ireland. When an immigrant wanted to come to America, they had to go through the long process of inspection. Immigrants either stopped at Angel Island, or Ellis Island (two inspection stations for the immigrants) to make sure they were healthy, or just plain stable. Some immigrants, though, werenít accepted, and sometimes for no reason at all. Immigrants werenít accepted if they didnít have any money, some sort of health issue, or if the inspectors just didnít like them, so they had to travel back to where they came from. Plain and simple, it wasnít easy for the immigrants to get to America.
The promises from the Declaration of the Independence and the Constitution did not apply to the immigrants; they didnít have an easy life when all they wanted to do was come to America to find freedom, more opportunities, their own land, and a decent job to support their family, they were always treated the worst. When immigrants arrived in America, they hoped for the best, unfortunately, they had a horrible experience in America. The immigrants had very long job shifts; they had to live in a poor slum neighborhood, lived in very un-sanitary tenement, and had to deal with pollution and the very possible chance of death for living in these conditions. My opinion is that immigrants did not enjoy the freedoms and opportunities for happiness as promised in the 2 famous documents, but some of my classmates believe that the immigrants did indeed enjoy the freedom and lived up to the full potential of being in America. To answer my classmates, I would have to say, yes, they did come to America successfully, yes, they do have a job, yes, and they do have a place to live. But if you really think about it? Is it really that great? You are almost always risking the chance of death when you are working or just breathing in the air. To be honest, I think the immigrants would have a better chance of living back where they came from, America wasnít as good back then as it is now, and even now we still have similar problems.
During the 1800ís and the early 1900ís immigrants were willing to face many hardships and challenges in order to find a better life in America. Many immigrants did not find that specific better life. If I had been an immigrant to America, I would be at least thankful for a job, and having a place to stay, but I would be miserable inside, where it really counts. I would not be able to spend a lot of time with my family, as I said above; I would be risking the chance of death just by walking outside my tenement door. I would just be plain afraid to even step outside, knowing I could die any second. Thinking about the Core Democratic Values, immigrants did not have a chance to experience Life, Liberty, Pursuit of Happiness, or even Individual Rights, while in America, they were always second class citizens where ever they went. To be honest, Iím glad that we donít live in those horrible times, although Iím not an immigrant, I feel bad for them. An immigrant, in my eyes, is just a human being just like us who wants to have a better life, thatís why they came to America, but sadly, the immigrants were unsatisfied when they arrived.
- History of Immigration, proof read my essay? - SraJMcGin, Wednesday, November 2, 2011 at 11:16am
1800s = no apostrophe
1900s = as well
a "bunch" sounds slangy = from many countries?
when an immigrant "they had to go " = immigrant is singular so it's "he/she had to go OR make it plural = immigrants ...they had to go
"like them, so they had" = this could be 2 sentences, using a semicolon ; or period plus capital letter = . So
run-on sentence is "their family, they were always" = use semicolon or make 2 sentences
same type of error with "the best, unfortunately,"
"they had to live in a poor slum neighborhood, lived in" = for a parallel construction, make "lived in" = "live in"
1800s and 1900s = again, no apostrophe
"in America, they were always " = another run-on sentence = use ; or . T
wherever = one word
"like us who wants" = like us, who want (add comma) and here comes another run-on sentence in "better life, thatís why" = life; or life. That's
Actually some immigrants had a much better life and some not. It is an "individual" thing.
- History of Immigration, proof read my essay? - Anonymous, Wednesday, November 2, 2011 at 12:38pm
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