I really need your help to revise a paragraph on Asian cheetahs. I'll post a part each time.
1) The Asian cheetah, once common in India and valued by aristocrats for its ability to catch deer (antelopes), is on the point of dying out around the world.
2) It is thought that the last Indian cheetahs had been shot in 1947. Although a few sub-species survive in a desert region in Iran, this country has refused to send cheetahs to India. However, the Indian Government intends to reintroduce cheetahs by importing them from Africa.
3) Like (similarly??) to their Asiatic counterparts (cousins?), the African cheetahs live in dry regions. However, India’s record for cat conservation is not (necessarily) squeaky clean (faultless).
4) For example, the number of tigers, another protected species, have shrunk considerably from a century ago because of under-paid, ill-equipped, and under-trained forest rangers (since they were left at the mercy of under-paid ….) who regularly advertise tiger skins for sale by underground means. (I need to rephrase the last relative clause).
1. If you decide to use "antelope" in place of "deer," be sure you DON'T add an -s. This is one of those plurals that doesn't have an -s ending. Others are these: deer, fish, elk, caribou...
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/plurals.htm
Check out the irregular plural nouns.
3. Use ONE of these -- but not a combination!
Like their Asian counterparts, ...
Similar to their ...
Similarly, ...
4. Subj-verb agreement: ... the number of tigers ... has shrunk ...
... who regularly sell tiger hides on the black market.
1) The Asian cheetah, which used to be widespread in India and highly prized by the aristocracy for its skill in capturing deer (antelopes), is now teetering on the edge of extinction worldwide.
To revise this paragraph, you can consider the following changes:
"The Asian cheetah, once abundant in India and coveted by aristocrats for its prowess in hunting deer (antelopes), is now on the verge of extinction globally."
Explanation: This revision simplifies the language and conveys the same information more concisely.
Is there anything else you would like me to revise or explain further?