Posted by aran on Sunday, October 30, 2011 at 3:43pm.
What is this? One paragraph in a cover letter for a resume? Or what? It'll help if I know what this is part of.
This is a students freelance essayImagine that the paragraph below was submitted for part III of the proposal project. Knowing what you do about paragraph structure, word choice, and audience, offer a critique that will help this student to improve his or her work. Remember to be detailed in your response. How would you advise this student?
I have no idea what "part III of the proposal project" is. It would help to know that. I take it that "I" in the paragraph is the student you need to advise, right?
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To begin with, I know that the designer for this freelance job would need to consider a dimensional look.
I'd get rid of the possible and insert a factual type of verb -- get rid of "would" and use present tense.
As I have a Web design and interactive media associate degree, I do have experience in basic Web design screen and graphic design, basic Web scripting, as well as Web systems management and structure.
This is long and a little awkward (that introductory clause), but has details (which are good).
I feel that I could accomplish quite a dimensional look for the client.
"feel"?? It's better to base thoughts on beliefs, not feelings. "quite a dimensional look" = 2 dimensions? 3 dimensions? what?
I have included projects in my career portfolio to show that I have the ability to successfully complete the freelance project from Seven Designs.
seems OK
I have good design skills and I am very interested in getting practical experience building Web sites with this company.
comma needed for this compound sentence; seems a bit weak for being the conclusion. And you'd need to doublecheck, but I don't think "Web" needs the capital W anymore.
I'd also get rid of "To begin with" -- it's unnecessary.
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