Please help me revise this sentence. The following sentence has many problems in grammar, sentence structure, and words. Correct the sentence:
BEFORE: Cindy met this cool guy last night who helped her when she dropped her cellphone walking through the mall; She defiantly wants to go out with him.
After: When Cindy dropped her cellphone while waking through the mall, she met a cool guy who helped her. She defiantly wants to get to know him better.
Everything's fine except this word:
definitely
(You have a completely different word there.)
Last night at the mall, Cindy dropped her cellphone while walking and this guy helped her. Now, she definitely wants to go out with him.
That's how I'd do it :)
To revise the sentence, you can make the following changes:
BEFORE: Cindy met this cool guy last night who helped her when she dropped her cellphone walking through the mall; She defiantly wants to go out with him.
After: When Cindy dropped her cellphone while walking through the mall last night, she met a cool guy who helped her. Now, she defiantly wants to go out with him.
Explanation:
1. Start with providing the context: When Cindy dropped her cellphone while walking through the mall last night...
2. Instead of using "this," specify that she met a cool guy.
3. In the original sentence, there is a run-on sentence with two distinct thoughts separated by a semicolon. Split the sentence into two to improve the sentence structure.
4. Change "defiantly" to "now" to convey her newfound interest more naturally.
5. Conclude the revised sentence by stating that now she wants to go out with him.