posted by Griselda on .
Please revise my essay by giving tip or suggestions.
A scholarship like “The FATE” will help me achieve my educational & career goals. “The FATE” not only will benefit financially but it will also boost my self-confidence, give me greater power of flexibility in my life and most importantly increase my self-esteem. A scholarship will allow me to focus on my studies rather than playing the bills and allow me to concentrate on my responsibility as a student with a long-term payoff. Winning “The FATE” scholarship will have a major impact on my education; showing that I am an outstanding candidate for improvement and I can manage to perform well in a competitive environment.
Anyone can set educational goals but the real challenge is sticking to your goals. I do not set idealistic educational goals. I set goal that I can actually live up to and will complement my future for a higher education. Some of my educational goals are accomplishing my associate’s degree at Palo Alto College and transferring to a university is one of my educational goals. Meanwhile, I will join clubs leadership program such as TRIO, and get involve myself in study groups to improve my weaknesses, make plans to study abroad and participate in research projects with a mentor professor. After completing my 4 years in college, obtain a bachelor’s of science in biology by 2015. Afterwards, I will get involved at hospitals by doing internships, volunteering and getting summer jobs to work in the emergency room and children during 2015-2019 or a job as an assistant. Whiling I am do that I will transfer to a medical school to get my PH.D by 2019 with my bachelors of science in biology. Meanwhile, we are required to work at a hospital for three years to become an anesthesiologist doctor but I will make my services available to the ER department as an emergency doctor by 2022.
One of my career goals is to work in different jobs fields to reconcile different skills and qualities that will benefit me later in my future and can give me better employment opportunities.
For example: Back, in March 2010 while I worked for the holiday inn as a front desk agent. The job requires a person that enjoys meeting and helping and someone who haves a great relationship with the public and enjoys helping them with their needs. The position was perfect for me and a great chance to put my career goals to the tasks. I enjoy meeting and helping people. I have a great interaction with the public and helping them with their needs I was hired because of my personality and the college classes I was taking in hospitality. I enjoyed the opportunity to work as a front desk agent at age 16. During that time I learn many qualities. Some personal qualities that I learn from working at the front desk are attentiveness, initiative, loyalty, maturity, and respect for confidentiality, discretion, a positive attitude and dependability. I also learned to multi-task and how to think on my feet quickly. Later, in the year I transfer positions from a front desk agent to a private branch exchange (PBX or Phone operator). While working as a PBX I gather more skills. The skills I have learn is active learning, speaking to other effectively, social perceptiveness, coordination, critical thinking, service orientation or looking for ways to help others, monitoring, writing effectively, persuasion, judgment and decision making, time management, and negotiation by bringing other together to try to resolve differences. Working in a customer service field benefit me with new skills and qualities I had yet to learn. I have always been a people person and enjoy working in the hospitality business. The skills and qualities I learn are everlasting and will all be us in my everyday life.
I also work two jobs after the holiday inn. The two jobs afterward jobs are “Bill Miller’s Laguna Madre Restaurant” and “Wing stop” both deal with customer service and both are fast food restaurant. Both of these jobs “Bill Miller’s Laguna Madre Restaurant” and “Wing stop” require the same skills; I learned working at the holiday inn, such as having excellent people skills, having proficient math skills, great communication skills, being a team player, and the ability to multi-task.
The skills and qualities I learned in one’s job field are similar to each other, and if looking for employment. The more skills and qualities i gather working in different job fields will give me a better chance of getting hired.Another career goal I have is doing job shadows by shadowing an anesthesiologist’s doctor and an emergency doctor for a short time to see and get to know how my work is going to be, and working with them gives me a chance to ask questions and get advice from a person that had already accomplish the goal for becoming who they are now. Another Career goal is to transitioning from entry-level positions within a company to leadership positions, and completing professional certification to make it possible.
I'm not convinced. In the first place you have three errors in your first two sentences.
You mention nothing concrete about your accomplishments until about half way through the essay. What have you achieved that would convince the reader that you've earned this scholarship?