Posted by Mario on Monday, October 10, 2011 at 7:13pm.
Can some check my personal narrative and give a grade from 1-5?
The Lost Dog
I didn’t feel like helping my sister wash my dad’s car. After our dog left this morning we were both sad, we didn’t feel like doing anything but to just search for him. “It was your fault, all your fault,” she said crying ”Only if you remembered to close the gate our dog would’ve been here.” “Don’t blame me, it’s your fault for not paying attention to him, but I’ll help you find him,” I said. He can’t go far he should be here, in the city of El Monte.
We made lost dog posters and posted them around the city but it looked like if no one bothered to look since I didn’t get a call. Eight hours have passed since the dog vanished. So my sister and I decided to go bike riding around the block to see if the dog was dead or alive. We heard dog barks but none that sounded like our dog’s bark. We decided to head back home since it was starting to get dark and cold.
A week has passed since the dog left. We haven’t heard good or bad news of him. Every day since he left we have been looking in the nearby parks and around the block. One day we saw a dog that looked like our dog from the back but once we saw him from the front it wasn’t him. We were losing our hopes of finding this dumb dog.
We decided to give up searching for the dog since the weather forecast said that it was going to rain all this week. My sister started crying again saying,” We will never find the dog especially in this bad weather.” “ He is probably in a new home “I replied.
The next day I decided to give all his dog food to my neighbor since they have a dog and I don’t. My sister and I were sad since we were thinking if he was in good hands or bad hands. At 11 in the night, it’s been about 12 days since the dog has been missing. I was asleep and my was awake. She wakes me up saying the she hears some scratching the door. I get up and we go to the door and right in front of the door was our dog, scrawny and dirty. As soon as he entered the house we fed him and then bathed him. It was like if some had him because he had a rope around his neck. My sister and I were proud to see that our dog was alive even though he was scrawny.
From now on I had the gate closed and always had the dog tied up when I ever I was doing some else. The lesson learned is that I should never leave the gate open whenever the dog is by himself.
English - bobpursley, Monday, October 10, 2011 at 7:27pm
with a grading rubric, it is difficult to assign a score.
Have you proofed this yourself? (She wakes me up...saying the she hears some scratching the door)
The idea on a personal narrative is not to tell the story, but let the reader feel as if he were there experiencing it.
For example, let me rewrite a section to do this:
We made posters of our dogs, putting them in many areas. No one called. Eight hours have passed. We biked around the area, listening: No familiar dog barks. We were cold, it was dark, and we were dejected, with hopelessness creeping in with the dark sky.
See how you can make the reader "feel" the story?
So I suggest go back, revise, and stop telling YOUR story, and let the reader live it for themselves.
Storytelling requires you keep the reader involved.
English - Mario, Monday, October 10, 2011 at 7:30pm
can you give me some ideas on how to make it a narrative
English - bobpursley, Monday, October 10, 2011 at 7:32pm
English - Mario, Monday, October 10, 2011 at 7:41pm
English - Mario, Monday, October 10, 2011 at 7:53pm
can you rewrite all of it for me. Please
English - Writeacher, Wednesday, October 12, 2011 at 10:55am
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