Posted by ALISHA on Monday, October 3, 2011 at 11:18am.
You need sentence variety.
You need to fix any run-ons.
It is very wordy. Cut out all the words.
Why is opening the door important? Why is the light switch important?
Why is the thickness of the curtain important?
Because I dont have context, I cant tell, so if they are important, then
The first room, upon opening the door, revealed blackness, no light, no windows. I struggled for a switch. When the lights were on, the room flashed bright red walls, and deep blue curtains on the windows, so thick that no light had entered from outside.
Be expressive, say what you need to say, with vigor and enthusiasm.
DONT COPY WHAT I WROTE.
so to improve it i could use more complex sentences and a range of vocabualry or? And would this paragraph be ok:
i walk vigilantly to the first room, looking around me if there is someone coming behind me. open the door with great care and let me palm slide across the wall to look for the switch, the light turns on. the walls are red in colour, i touch the silky thick curtain that is blue and it is thick that it doesnt allow light to peep through.
can you pleaase check if this is a better paragraph.
please read hte above paragraph and check if it s is correct and if any changes need to be made
Start with correct capitalization. Then re-post.
sorry did not see the mistake but in the whole is the paragraph much better than what it was before?
It's more detailed and varied, yes. You should read it aloud to someone to catch other things.
Be sure to use correct capitalization before re-posting.
ok thank you for your help
One thing my grandsons (ages 19 and 16) are learning is when to use "text speak" and when to use formal English. All students who want to do well in school, whether it's high school or college, need to remember these things. The no-caps thing is fine when you're texting friends, tweeting, and posting on Facebook or whatever. But for academic purposes, you need to remember and practice standard English conventions. It's that practice, practice, practice that will stand you well in the future.
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