writing( short story)
posted by Amanda on .
Can you proofread? I need some figurative language. The word limit is 750-1500 words.
“Don’t go in that room,” screamed Kayla and her best friend Rebecca at the top of their lungs while watching the movie, “Martha's End.” Kayla’s mother, Tina, asked,” Girls, if it’s so scary, why you are watching it?” Kayla told her mother, “Mom it isn’t that scary. We just… “ She quickly got quiet because she couldn’t think of anything else to say. Her mother said, “Yeah right! Anyways, I don’t want to hear about it! I’m going to bed, and you girls will too in five minutes” as she headed to her room upstairs and closed the door. Kayla asked her friend, “Are you ready to go to bed? I’m getting a little restless, too...” Rebecca answered, “I think you are just getting scared, but yeah, I’m sleepy, too.” Kayla answered, “Whatever.” However the girls got off the sofa, turned off the TV, and headed upstairs to Kayla’s room. As she headed for her sleeping bag, Rebecca asked Kayla, “What’s with your mom?” Kayla answered, “She’s still lonely since dad, you know, died. She really can’t stop thinking about him.” Then, she said, "Hey, let’s go to sleep and get ready for 1st period Algebra” as she got in her lumpy king size bed that felt like a rock. Rebecca said, “Ok, you’re right," as she closed her eyes and said good night to her friend. Kayla yawned, “Yeah, same to you," and she fell peacefully to sleep. The next day, early in the morning, the girls went downstairs and smelled bacon, eggs, and toast. They hurried up to dig in before the school bus came. Standing in the kitchen, Kayla's mother said, “Good morning girls! Did Martha get killed by that boy?” The girls answered in unison, “Good morning, but no, we didn’t finish watching the movie.” Her mother replied, “You got too scared and couldn’t finish watching it. ” The girls answered, “No,” but they heard the bus toot the horn, so they quickly said “goodbye” to Kayla’s mom and headed out the door. After the bus made it to school, Kayla and Rebecca made their way to their lockers, and as Kayla opened her locker, a note fell out. Rebecca said, “Oooh, you got a love note from a secret admirer.” Kayla answered, “Yeah right; it's probably a note saying I smelled bad last week." As she opened it, and read the words: “ You’re life is going be filled with troubles every day.” Kayla showed the letter to her friend as she put her hand to her mouth in shock. Rebecca asked, “Who did this?” Kayla answered, “I really don’t know, but probably someone who hates me.” Rebecca answered, “Well that narrows it down to the whole school, Miss Goody Two-Shoes ,” as the bell rung for 1st period classes.Kayla couldn’t stop thinking about who would do that to her; she had never hurt or made fun of someone else. Kayla pondered all through her 1st to 4th period classes about who put that note in her letter. She thought that it was maybe Rebecca playing a joke on her and decided to confront her about it. At lunch, Kayla did confront her friend at their lockers. Kayla said, “Soo, you decided to play jokes on me to see if I’m really a scaredy-cat.”Rebecca yelled, “What are you talking about?" as she threw her books into her locker, slammed the door shut, and then looked at her friend with questioning eyes. "I didn’t put that note in your locker; I don’t have time for that. Now, come on and let’s go to lunch."Kayla said, “Ok," as she opened her locker, when another note fell out. "What is this person trying to do? Scare me out of school?" she said as she opened the note. Kayla moved over so her friend could see. The note read: “Till death do you part.”Rebecca said, “Ok, that’s really freaking creepy; let’s go to the lunchroom and discuss this at the table,” as she closed her friend’s locker and dragged her through the lunchroom double doors. The girls made it into the lunchroom, got their lunches, and sat down at an empty table. Suddenly, Kayla saw a long-browned hair woman she knew very well.Kayla put her head between her hands as her mother came towards their table with her hands waving at them. Here mother, Tina, said, “Hi girls! How’s school going? Kayla, did you get the notes that I left in the special spot. Girls, I've got to run. I just came to drop those notes off and talk to your principal about more family programs after school. Bye!" as she took off on the go. Kayla called out, “Mom, wait!" but her mom was already out the lunchroom double doors. "I can’t believe my mom put those letters into my locker," said Kayla. Rebecca said, Yeah, she wanted to scare us missing quotes as they burst into laughter. A couple of minutes later, they headed out of the lunchroom still laughing that Kayla’s mom put those notes in her locker. Kayla and Rebecca went to their 5th period, 6th period, and 7th period class and until finally the day was over at 3:00 pm. Kayla and Rebecca went to their lockers for the final time that day. As Kayla opened her locker, once again, a note fell out. As both of the girls gathered together, they read it. It read: “Kayla this is your last note .Meet me at 431 Jacobs Rd at 6:00 pm in the vacant building. Come alone.” Rebecca glanced at her friend’s expression and looked at her watch; it said 3:30. Rebecca said,” I don’t think that’s your mom who wrote that note.” Kayla answered, “You’re right, let’s go our separate ways home and I’ll text you what happens at 6:00 pm later.” Kayla headed out the door walking to her house. Rebecca called out, “Ok, bye as she took her route to her home.” As soon as Kayla entered her home, her mother was in the kitchen cooking some delicious lasagna, chef salad, garlic bread, and making a pitcher of sweet tea. Kayla said, “Hey mom, where did you put my notes?” Kayla’s mom answered, “Hey buttercup, I put your notes in your backpack. So, Kayla checked her backpack to find tons of letters saying “I love you, do well in school today and so on.” Kayla ferociously opened her cell phone and texted her friend. Rebecca replied, “Really, maybe there is someone who’s watching you. I got to go, bye she texted back.” Kayla said, “Yeah and bye as she went upstairs to prepare for what will happen at 6:00 pm.” Kayla pictured in her mind what the person will do this to her. Questions flew around in her head, "this person could be a guy or girl trying to hurt me or rape me in any way" Kayla asked herself if she should tell her mom, but decided not to.” Kayla heard her mom call her downstairs for dinner, so Kayla rose from her bed , threw on some jeans, shirt and tank, some socks and tennis shoes, brushed her hair into a ponytail, and headed downstairs so she can eat dinner and head to her worst troubles. When Kayla sat at the table, her mom said, “You going somewhere after you eat dinner ?” Kayla pronounced, “Yes mom going for a walk with Rebecca for a couple of minutes.” Mrs. Tina said, “As long as you go with someone and you girls stay safe.” Kayla answered, “Yes mom as she knew she was lying. Kayla ate her food so fast that her mom had to tell her to slow down. Then, Kayla finished her food and checked her watch and it said 5:45. Kayla told her mom goodbye as she headed grabbed her jacket and made sure she had her phone on silent and left out the door just as her mom blabbed on words no one could hear, but her. Kayla made it to Jacobs Rd inside the vacant building just the right time at 6:00. Kayla looked around and saw no one in sight. Kayla heard no one. Until, she saw a white man with black darkened eyes. Kayla said, “Who are you and why are you leaving me threating notes.” The man said, “I’m your worst nightmare Francis and you don’t come early I see.” Kayla asked, “Oh, I saw you around at school before, but I never thought anything about you. Why do you want me, though.” Francis answered, “I want your blood as he burst into laughs.” Kayla asked, “Are you a vampire?” Francis said, “Nooo, I just like the taste of blood when I kill people.” Kayla summoned the man, “With what special reason why you would kill innocent people for blood.” Francis answered, “There’s no special reason, I just like hurting girls as he screamed into pain. Kayla looked and saw her friend Rebecca throw a hatchet in the man’s back. Kayla told her friend “that man just volunteer to be at her school just to hurt girls for blood.”Rebecca told her friend, Let’s get out of here,” as she dropped the hatchet and they ran out the vacant building to their homes. Kayla went to her house and her mom was sound asleep with the TV still on as she opened the house door with her key and locked it back when she made it in the house. Kayla cut the TV off and showered and put on her pjs and went to bed. The next morning, guess what was in the paper. Kayla mom said, “Good morning and showed her daughter the paper.” Kayla said, “Good morning to her mom and saw what was on the front page of the paper, the man who her friend killed, it said the police have been looking for this man because he harmed little girls, but he changed his identity when working at Kayla’s high school.”Kayla mom said, “Daughter have you ever seen this man, before.”Kayla stuttered, “Yes, ma’am and told her mom the whole story and they decided to go to the police and report what happened with Kayla friend, Rebecca and her mom. As they got ready and headed to the police station with the two girls mom hand to hand. The girls learned the lesson though “to tell the parents or police and don’t try to fight off someone yourself.”
Look up the use of to versus too.
Now, to the content. If figurative language was the goal, you came short.
Your writing is a good start, but it is mostly literal, not figurative.
You need to shorten sentences. That makes reading hard to follow.
Example:<< Rebecca told her friend, Let’s get out of here,” as she dropped the hatchet and they ran out the vacant building to their homes. Kayla went to her house and her mom was sound asleep with the TV still on as she opened the house door with her key and locked it back when she made it in the house. >> That is two sentences.
Now making sentences shorter, and using figurative language it might go like this...
Rebecca screamed: Let's get out of here! The girls ran quickly, dropping the hatchet, and leaving the cold, silent, vacant house. Kayla went home, finding her mother asleep, dead to all that was occurring. Kayla locked the doors, and checked them twice.
can u give me another example in my writing?
Bobpursley gave you an excellent example. Now it's up to YOU to go through your own story and rewrite so that figurative language is used -- especially imagery. "Imagery" is simply the use of vivid and specific words to create detailed images in your readers' minds.