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Hi I have an assignment in English. I am suppose to write a paragraph.
"You've applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an interview and tells you to bring with you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing skills. The paragraph must describe one particular experience you've had that inspired you or guided you to choose the type of position for which you applied. Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition you want to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between formal and informal business writing.

This is what I wrote:

During my online research, I was very excited to learn about the current opening for a medical coding position in your organization. I feel my qualifications and your requirements are a good match. I have been very interested in medical coding since my father's illness. I was always interested in what the doctors had written down in my father's medical records. This curiousity stayed with me, and I thought what if the doctor entered the wrong information which would lead to one thing after another. For instance the wrong coding would lead to the wrong insurance billing. The Insurance then may not pay for the doctors visit or hospital stay. The people it would affect would be the doctors, insurance and the patient. My mind would just be racing with ideas and mistakes that could happen which led me to take courses on medical coding. I now want to pursue a career in medical coding. I want to use my knowledge and skills to the best of my ability. I want to be the person who helps enter the information correctly and hopefully help others by doing so.

  • English - ,

    Your writing is good. There are only a couple of places where I'd suggest commas.

    I do have a couple of questions, though: If the doctor writes down the wrong information, how would the person doing the coding know that? Can that person actually CHANGE what the doctor has written down??

  • English - ,

    Thankyou I appreciate your advice. How would I explain this in the paragraph how would the person know that the coding was wrong? Have any ideas? That was a good point. Where would you suggest commas?

  • English - ,

    Comma after "For instance"

    A few things in this sentence: The insurance, then, may not pay for the doctor's visit or hospital stay.

    Comma after "insurance" in the next sentence

    In the last sentence, I'd delete "hopefully" and make that next verb "helps" (since the subject is singular).

    I don't know what the answers are to my questions!! The problem I see is that doctors make those notations when they are seeing the patient, for the most part, right? When does all that actually get coded? Maybe after the doctor is gone? That whole issue is a big problem, IMO. I'm pretty sure that ONLY the doctors can make those changes.

  • English - ,

    Is this from you, too?
    http://www.jiskha.com/display.cgi?id=1314898415

  • English - ,

    Yes, the other is from me too. I used two different names to keep track as to what paragraph is what. Easier for me to keep track...thankyou.

  • English - ,

    No problem!

    I'm pleased with the corrections/revision you made. That is GREAT!!

  • English - ,

    I revised the paragraph:

    During my online research, I was very excited to learn about the current opening for a medical coding position in your organization. I feel my qualifications and your requirements are a good match. I have been very interested in medical coding since my father's illness. I was always interested in what the doctors had written down in my father's medical records which was the type of illness, and how that was coded from the medical record to the insurance company. This curiousity stayed with me, and I thought what if the information the doctor entered was coded wrong by the office staff, this would lead to one mistake after another. For instance, the wrong coding would lead to the wrong insurance billing, and the Insurance company may not pay for the doctors visit or hospital stay. The people it would affect would be the doctors, insurance companies, and the patients. My mind would just be racing with ideas, and the mistakes that could happen, which led me to take courses on medical coding. I now want to pursue a career in medical coding. I want to use my knowledge and skills to the best of my ability. I want to be the person who helps enter the information correctly and help others by doing so.

  • English - ,

    helps others by doing so.

  • English - ,

    Some changes in here:
    father's medical records, which included the type of illness and how that was coded

    This is a run-on:
    by the office staff, this would lead to one mistake after another.
    How will you fix it?

    No capital I here:
    the Insurance company

    ... plus your added correction, which is right.

    Nice job!

  • English - ,

    Hi again, I revised this paragraph again, what do you think?

    During my online research, I was very excited to learn about the current opening for a medical coding position in your organization. I feel my qualifications and your requirements are a good match. I have been very interested in medical coding since my father's illness. I was always interested in what the doctors had written down in my father's medical records. The type of illness, and how that was coded from the medical record to the insurance company was a curiousity that stayed with me. I thought what if the information the doctor entered was coded wrong by the office staff? For instance, the wrong coding would lead to the wrong insurance billing, which then the insurance company may not pay for the doctors visit or hospital stay. The people that would be affected, would be the doctors, insurance companies, and the patients. My mind would just be racing with ideas, which led me to take courses on medical coding. My personal interests led me to this interview. I now want to pursue a career in medical coding. I want to use my knowledge and skills to the best of my ability. I want to be the person who helps enter the information correctly and helps others by doing so.

  • English - ,

    Remove the comma after "The type of illness"

    Better punctuation here:
    I thought, "What if the information the doctor entered was coded wrong by the office staff?"

    doctor's <~~possessive needs apostrophe

    Nice!!

  • English - ,

    Thankyou very much for your help. I really appreciate it.

  • English - ,

    You're very welcome.

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