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english

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i tried my best to coorrect this, but it still sounds wierd. the following paragraph is about the great gatsby, and how many celebrities relate to Gatsby.c
can you please suggest ideas and help me make it sound more fluent. thanks!!!

P Diddy, Bill Gates, and many other celebrities are great devotees of Jay Gatsby. To get a clear picture of why so many celebrities are fascinated by Jay Gatsby, we could compare their backgrounds to Gatsby’s background. It’s evident that P Diddy and Bill Gates could relate to Gatsby’s struggles in becoming wealthy, because they were also from a middle class family like Gatsby. The common characteristic they all have is determination and motivation to succeed. P Diddy and Gatsby are comparable because they both lived through similar childhoods. Gatsby's father, Dan Cody, and P Diddy’s father, Melvin Earl Combs, were both murdered when their sons were young children. Gatsby’s father-like character was killed by a woman that was interested in all his possessions, and P Diddy’s father was killed in a shooting at a night club because of some drug dealing issue. P Diddy and Gatsby both confronted the insecure society at a very young, naive age. Unfortunately, their innocence was destroyed completely causing bigotry of those rich people in the American society. This motivated Gatsby and P Diddy in wanting to succeed to show the very society that disapproved of them.

thanks again!!!

  • English - ,

    Your main problem is that you are trying to compare (no contrast?) THREE people. It's hard enough to write comparison/contrast papers for TWO elements/people/things... but for THREE can become a mess.

    Here's a lesson I give for people writing comparison/contrast essays:

    Whenever you are writing a comparison/contrast paper (paragraph, essay, research paper), you need to plan it out very carefully on paper first.

    Try this:

    1. Write all the information about one of your topics on one page.
    2. Write all the information about the other topic on another page.
    3. Then put them together in this order:

    1. Intro
    2. All about topic A
    ~~~2A. detail 1
    ~~~2B. detail 2
    ~~~2C. detail 3
    ~~~2D. detail 4
    ~~~2E. detail 5
    3. All about topic B
    ~~~3A. detail 1
    ~~~3B. detail 2
    ~~~3C. detail 3
    ~~~3D. detail 4
    ~~~3E. detail 5
    4. Concl.

    The number of details for each topic will vary depending on your main points. I would include comparisons (how they are similar) in the introduction and conclusion, but sections 2 and 3 and all those details will be stating and explaining how they are different.

    There are two recognized patterns for writing comparison/contrast papers. One is casually referred to as "zig-zag,” but can be very confusing for the reader if you don’t use transitions effectively. The other is topic-by-topic (which is what I've outlined above) and is much easier for the reader to follow.

    See http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/acadwrite/comparcontrast.html for further help with comparison/contrast writing.

    The main issue going on in your paper is that you're mixing up all three, all the time. Separate them, and discuss each one in different paragraphs. Your paper would look like this:

    1. Intro
    2. All about topic A
    ~~~2A. detail 1
    ~~~2B. detail 2
    ~~~2C. detail 3
    ~~~2D. detail 4
    ~~~2E. detail 5
    3. All about topic B
    ~~~3A. detail 1
    ~~~3B. detail 2
    ~~~3C. detail 3
    ~~~3D. detail 4
    ~~~3E. detail 5
    4. All about topic C
    ~~~3A. detail 1
    ~~~3B. detail 2
    ~~~3C. detail 3
    ~~~3D. detail 4
    ~~~3E. detail 5
    5. Concl.

  • english - ,

    When I read Fitzgerald's Gatsby, I had just finished Veblen's Theory of the Leisure Class. Veblen exponded on the House, the Lawn, and so on, how the "leisure" class lived in conspicious consumption, a life without meaning or substance. To me, Jay Gatsby was doing the same, without meaning.

    So in my interpretation of Gatsby, I would focus on conspicious consumption, and how their lives are lived: to achieve something of substance, or not.
    Puff Diddly is a hip-hop star no doubt, and Bill Gates is giving away his fortune to others in need or sick.
    I am not certain if Bill Gates worries about being rejected by society.

  • english - ,

    umm... this paragraph is just one portion of my term papaer. my papaer talks aout different themes that relate to socity today. one of those paprgarpghs which is this talks about why some celebreites are intersted in jay gatsby. so im basically comparing two of the celebrites with gaysby. so i don't know how i can use this formato of three topic a ,b and c.

  • english - ,

    writeacher i don't getwhat you mean. Can you please proofread it and show me how to fix me my writing?

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